Million miles

Tablighi Jamat

2006-06-17T02:19:00.000-07:00

I came across this poem on Tablighis on one of the many websites. Enjoy...

The tableeghis,
easy target for criticism,
Attacks against them launched with cynicism
Politically unaware, Intellectually Docile,
Painted by some as simplistically puerile

But I must hasten to disagree,
And quote to you some history
To prove the nature of my claims
And perhaps to defend their noble aims

When Hinduism was spreading in Mewat,
And muslims were losing iman from the heart,
A spiritual man arose who stood apart,
And founded what we now know as tableeghi jamaat

Who knew this spark of love would spread like fire,
For the situation seemed quite dire,
It transformed darkness to illumination,
And rescued the sunnah from devestation

Empty masjids cried floods of tears,
As no worshippers made sujood for many years,
And then crowds came back and thronged their floors,
You can see angels smile, and the heavens echo with applause.

The dhikr of Allah is being revived by their crowds
Throughout the lands jam'aahs travel like rain-bearing clouds
Bringing much sought for water to thirsty lands,
And turning to luscious green arid desert lands.

Some people may be unaware of this information ,
That mawlana Ilyaas was an initiated sufi master
But he saw the mutasawifs and ulema remaining aloof from their congregation,
Whilst Indias muslims plunged into great disaster

So he took the da'wah out to the masses,
Like Bees flying on journeys making honey in stashes,
Unknown inhabitations became Honeycombes sweet,
Where millions of muslims gather and meet

They left their families and their abodes,
And embarked on difficult dusty roads,
Travelling for the pleasure of the divine,
To replace the darkness of postmodernity with the sunnah's shine.

Embryonic change happens in Forty Days,
Strange Indeed are Allah's ways,
Dont call this number a reprehensible innovation,
Perchance it be a sign of your lack of academic discrimination.

In the way of Allah each step they tread,
But only for jihaad this should be said?
Open the hadeeth work of bukhari- the chapter on JUMUAH,
ya akhee f'illah,
In that very chapter not about jihad, it quotes the hadeeth of the feet being covered with dust Fee sabeel illah

How many a former drug addict I have encountered in these lands,
Whose previously injecting hands are enshrouded with ancient sins
And now he sits in the house of God with a tasbeeh in his hands
Those same hands make dhikr on those beads of strings

How many a robber who used to steal,
How many a zaani who shamed the earth's surrounds
How many a musician singing profane sounds
Now recounts God's Jalal-it makes him yell out squeals
And now the earth begins to smile, as he prostrates and as he kneels...

How many a face- black white and yellow from every schism
Sit on a mat and eat together their repast
Whilst politicians talk of the problems of racism
Oh This is not out problem- a thing of the past.

He makes nadaama and in tawbah turns
His heart with Love of Allah yearns
God Bless you Oh dearest mawlaana ilyaas
How beautifully you turned Yaas Into Aas

From the orient to the occident
And from the south right to the north
Crowds emerge with intentions heavenly bent
And taking Allah's name alone, they come forth

Pakistanis, Caucasians, Mayalsians, Africans, And Turks
Chinese, Eskimo, and russian faces
Ethnicities unheard of fill masjids where traces,
Of their forefathers are written in historical works.

Whilst nations sit before cathode rays,
That titillate their eyes with their enticing ways,
These men rebel against satan's invitation
And turn to the work of the prophets-driving iblees to frustration

They sit of the floor as it indents their knees,
They know not of Nietzsche, Hume, Kant or Socrates,
They couldnt perhaps recount ghazzali or avicenna's complex kalaam,
But the dhikr of Allah makes their souls calm

This is not to deny the place of the mutaklimeen,
Without whom we would be in disarray,
But for the awaam such complex arguments can lead astray
So let dhawq and wijdaan provide them with yaqeen.

They are not by tales of Machiavelli's prince infected
The sahabas stories motivate their lives
Such dark political ideologies before such heros stand rejected
Upholders of truth and self sacrifice

They hold no huge political rallies protesting to creation
In the nights they stand in prayer before the answer of every supplication
And with tears flood the floors begging for mercy and rejuvenation
Once more gifting glory to the Ummah of the best of creation

Don't approach the worldy kings -they cannot protect,
A Pretzel falls into their tracheas, almost suffocating
Such a small little thing He cannot eject?
How will he give Honour to those who stand outside the white house waiting?

They couldnt tell you about quantum mechanics or Hawkings
They couldnt refute Darwinian thought or the reductionism of dawkins
They dont know that much of Heisenbergs principle of uncertainty
For to them the kalimah is a deeply rooted certainty

They might not know Chomskys views on Linguistic Bayaan,
Or how Steven Pinker's instincts about neurolinguistics fit,
But they have of a surety read soorah rahman
And know that language is from Allah a merciful Gift.

And not the product of random forces without end,
Or indeed a blind watchmaker -No my friend
The blindness is in your hearts-not the maker of harmony
So with Ahsan-ul-qawl..They call To the Absolute with humility

On the Day of Reckoning when the Prophets say nafsee nafsee...
Perhaps Dawkins will smile, albeit, temporarily
Thinking "Ah My Selfish Gene Thesis was true"
Even these prophets are exhibiting ultimately a selfish hue

But Then Mustafa shall come and say Ummati Ummati...
Such selflessness which will cause his theory to terminate suddenly,
This is the beloved of Allah, and this maqam you cannot explain scientifically,
So Discard Dawkins Memes for Muhammad(saw)'s MEEM

They fall not prey to materialism or such bakwaas,
They see the divine hand behind each moving leaf,
In fact they are aboard a noah's ark constructed by mawlana ilyaas,
They hold on to the sunnah with their teeth

Of Freud's oedipus complex they remain unaware
Or indeed of changing uncertain paradigms
Imaan, Salaah, the 6 points are in the air
The kaafirs who promote intellectual kufr will pay for their crimes

Qiyamah is before their eyes
Not mere logical premises philosophers surmise
But deep rooted convictions that change their lives
You don't have to read volumes to be called wise

Those of us who study in intellectual arrogance
Forget rumi's tales of the lover's simple acceptance
The intellect is still looking for its transportation
Love has circled the ka'ba 7 times in dedication

Petra

2006-06-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

Having so much free time these days, I decided to indulge in my favourite pass time of crawling the cyber world and devouring historical information. Google is a true blessing and one that is not disguised. It has educated me in the true send of the word. I owe most, if not all of my awarness to Google.

Having read in the Quran, about the destroyed nations of the past that disobeyed Allah, I have always been interested in seeing the ruins of those cities. It has been said that Allah preserved remnants of the wreckage so that believers may learn from the mistakes of those before them. With this in mind, I set upon finding information about the nations of Aad and Thamud. Surely, there must be something of worth on the internet. I came upon a set of pictures of an ancient temple in Jordan called Petra. The name didn't mean anything to me, I had never even heard of it.

"Petra is the treasure of ancient world, hidden behind an almost impenetrable barrier of rugged mountains, boasting incomparable scenes that make it the most majestic and imposing ancient site still-standing nowadays. It has been said 'perhaps there is nothing in the world that resembles it', actually, for sure, there is nothing in the world that resembles it. The rock-carved rose-red city of Petra is full of mysterious charm, it was 'designed to strike wonder into all who entered it'."

But as far as the picture was concerned, it was breathtakingly beautiful. The temple, according to my search was carved out of rocks. This meant something because the people of one of the destroyed nations also used to carve houses out of rocks. This could be the ruins of the destroyed city mentioned in the Quran but I wasn't quite sure until I came upon this very interesting website. Please take a look at it.

Signs for the men of understanding

But before you go there, read this information that I got off another website :

The summary below has been drawn from the verses of Quran. I'm just quoting a few of them here but for further referance, please read the Quran.

“Do you build on every high place a symbol, for the sake of vanity! And you take for yourselves strongholds, perhaps you will live forever? And if you attack, you strike ruthlessly?” (The Message 26:128-130)

“Did you not see what your Lord did to ‘Aad? Irum, with the great columns? The one which was like no other in the land? And Thamud who carved the rocks in the valley?” (The Message 89:6-9)

“And recall that He made you (Thamud) successors after ‘Aad, and He established you in the land so that you make palaces on its plains, and you carve homes in the mountains. So recall God’s grace, and do not roam the Earth as corrupters.” (The Message 7:74)

“And Thamud who carved the rocks in the valley?” (The Message 89:9)

“And ‘Aad and Thamud (were annihilated). Much was made apparent to you from their dwellings. The devil had adorned their works in their eyes, thus he diverted them from the path, even though they could see.” (The Message 29:38)

'Aad' - People of Hud (AS)

1. Inherited the land after Noah (7:69);
2. Powerful Nation (41:15);
3. Homes are still visible (29:38);
4. Alters were built on 'High-Points' (26:128);
6. Main City 'Irum' boasts great columns (89:6-9).

'Thamud' - People of Saleh.

1. Inherited the land after 'Aad (7:74);
2. Homes carved out of mountain (7:74);
3. Is a Continuation of the Empire of 'Aad (53:50-51);
4. Situated in a Valley (89:9);
5. Military Community (85:17-18);
6. Provisions of water and gardens available (26:147-149);
7. Homes still standing (29:38).

Conclusion for ‘Aad & Thamud:

All the information found in the Quran draws us to one single finding:

‘Aad & Thamud have continued after one another IN-THE-SAME place.
There are only two places in the Middle East that have distinct stone carvings (we chose Middle East because that is where civilization first began after the Earth's re-birth in Mesopotamia, and where the Arabs and Arabic language originated from - 26:195):

1.Medien Saleh - Northern Arabia;
2.Petra - South of Dead Sea.

Although both places are remnants of the 'Nabataean' Kingdom (the fathers of the Arabs), our research eliminates 'Medien Saleh' as being the central city for the following reasons:

* Medien Saleh has 'tombs' carved out of the rock, whereas Scripture tells us they carved 'homes' (7:74);
*Medien Saleh is situated in a 'flat-land' with 'rock-peaks' around it. The Scripture tells us to look for a 'Valley' (89:9);
*Medien Saleh has no water water source to host crops and gardens, while Petra has an advanced water system used for irrigation (26:147-148).

Thus we are left with 'Petra' which fits all our clues for being 'Irum' with the Great Columns (89:6-9):

Petra also happens to be situated in a 'Valley' (89:9) and is well described by all archeologists as being a 'Military Complex' (85:17-18). Also, an 'advanced' hydraulic water system was in place with the walls of the narrow entrance 'Siq' lined with channels (originally fitted with chamfered clay pipes of efficient design) to carry drinking water to the city, while a dam to the right of the entrance diverted an adjoining stream through a tunnel to prevent it flooding the Siq (26:147-149). Petra has only recently been attracting archeological excavations; however, excavations have only been done on less than 2% of the ancient city. According to some archeological research, Petra dates back to 3,500 BC:

"In Abraham’s time, Petra was known as Salah. It is located in the mountains of Seir, the land of the Edomites. Petra is the Greek name for Sela, or Selah, a city of ancient Edom. The Hebrew word sela means "lofty, craggy rock, fortress, stronghold, cliff."

The site of Petra seems to indicate the presence of multiple civilizations, the last of which were the Nabateans (Arabs) and the Romans (Byzantines) upto the 6th century A.D. when it was struck by a devastating earthquake in 551 A.D. and the city fell out of use.

Thus, in conclusion to this part of the research, it can be said with some certainty that the ancient city of Petra is indeed the location where the civilizations of ‘Aad and Thamud once lived and flourished.

Quote

2006-06-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

'We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners.'

MSN nick

2006-06-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

'The wind is blowing hard through the window but I, burning in hell cannot feel it'

This is my 12 year-old sister's MSN nick. A little more search in the dark corners of our pc revealed further quotes by her, one of them is:

'I want people to like me for who I am but what I am is COMPLICATED to tell...'

This is shocking, to say the least. I'm worried.

Coincidence

2006-06-03T05:57:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in such a long time. It's probably my longest break from blogging here. I've been having exams, as you may or may not know. Not that they ever hinder me from doing anything but please let me use that as an excuse to mask my procrastination. Khyr, I have started two other blogs and they have this venting spirit, every time I log in there, I end up whining to my melodramaric heart's content. And I'm just not ready to share my idle, useless, selfish complaints with people as yet. So anonymity is a loyal friend these days.

My parents are expected to be back in pakistan on 08 th June and home by 22 nd June. It's been awefully long, more than four months and now I really want them back. So anticipation is growing and that somehow keeps me from feeling too low. In other news, I'm completely free and enjoying. I'm sleeping and catching up with old friends. Its a small world, really. I had this friend from Johannesburg, South Africa that I used to talk to back in 2003. I had a 200 plus contact list on Yahoo but it started to affect my real life so I decided to remove the messenger from the pc altogether. It helped alot and then I forgot about all the people that I talked to. Cyber world doesn't last and sooner or later, people lose contact. Khyr, I'm no exception, I did the same and went on with my life. Anyway, last December, there came a jamat to our house from South Africa. I got pally with almost all the 7 girls/women and the fact that 5 of them were in early twenties made the experience all the more enjoyable. I took down their addresses, phone numbers, every snippet of information that I could get my hands on so that we never lose touch. But we did, I never got 'round to writing letters. I also knew that postal mail between pakistan-south africa is frustratingly slow and most of the time, it doesn't even deliver. But I've kept the addresses and names, just in case I decide to go for vacations to south africa.

Last night, being bored out of my mind, I thought I'd reinstall my ole' Yahoo messenger and see if anyone remembers me. I signed in and saw that 97% of my contact population was offline. A few odd people were online but I wasn't up for chatting much so I didn't instant message anyone. Then this girl came online, I recognised her from her screen name but I had forgotten her name. I knew at one point in time I had talked to her in great length. I messaged her and we talked for long, sharing news, progress and life in general. I told her about the south african people that I met last year and how genuine and full of love they were. Fortunetly, I was able to dig up all the addresses and names I had saved, so I typed them up to her, hoping that she might know someone. Unfortunetly, she didn't. Then she stopped at one name and said she might know her...she gave me a few clues about her appearance and it turned out that my friend had met this entire jamat at Dubai airport, when they were about to leave for Pakistan and my friend was on her to India. She met them all because they stopped at the airport to do salah and one of the women of the jamat casually mentioned her that its her first time out and they're headed off to Pakistan. Then they parted ways. Its merely a pleasant coincidence that the same jamat came to our house! I rattled off more names but my friend didn't know anyone. I kept bringing in more information, little stuff that I remembered; husband's occupation, number of children, brother-in-law's name...just about everything that I could remember. In the same jamat, there was this lady who's brother-in-law worked for CII (Channel Islam International, South Africa) and apprently, he was famous there. I remember she kept typing his name on Google, hoping it would dig out his picture or something. But no picture came, although his name was slightly common on the internet. I tried remembering his name but I just couldn't get it. I knew one thing for sure, that he was a moulana. My dear friend emptied her mind and this is how the conversation went:

Niqabified : This guy
Niqabified : is a moulana I think
Niqabified : Do you know any moulanas related to that channel?
staarz_staarz : lol there are so so so many
staarz_staarz : unmarried?
Niqabified: No he's kinda big there
Niqabified : No, he's married
staarz_staarz : wait hold it
Niqabified : ....
sstaarz_staarz :Was he a****'s brother-in-law?
Niqabified : Yes...
staarz_staarz : Molana Moosa Laher
Niqabified : YEH!!!!
Niqabified :YESSSSS
Niqabified: hahahhaha
Niqabified : oh god, thank you.
staarz_staarz : jackpot!

Now, whats interesting is that my friend know this jamaty lady's brother-in-law, when she doesn't know the lady herself. But she has heard of her often. Turns out that the jamat lady's best friend is a student at the madressah where my friend teaches. That student was close in age with my friend and although they were in a teacher-student relationship, they did share stuff. So the student used to tell stuff about her best friend (jamaty lady) to her teacher (my friend) and thats how my friend knew about that jamaty lady's brother in law. But this connection is just so...out of the world! I mean, what are the odds?? My friend teaching a student who's a best friend of the woman I met. Its totally surprising and indeed wonderful too.

Then I gave my friend alot of messages to deliver but this little event was so emotionally refreshing; making connections worldwide. I loved it! :)

Because I do not hope to turn again...

2006-05-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not the one for poetry, infact most of the time I don't even understand it. But this one just shook me. Its so incredibly simple and yet so meaningful.

Ash-Wednesday
by T S Eliot

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is nothing again
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice

Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice
And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain

Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

A day to remember...

2006-05-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so thoroughly careless, so mind boggingly disorganised, so terribly incautious. Its incredible the amount of times I have suffered on account of my healthy habits. It would have been slightly acceptable, had it only effected me but now it's begining to slice the peace of those around me.

People tell me, left, right and center, every day of the week, every month of the year how frustrating it can be and how difficult it is to live with someone like me because I can't get anything straight. I have a memory disorder, or maybe its 'part of the deal' of being a careless bug. I always tend to forget the most important of things. And I not only forget them, I forget them at a time when there's no solution available for as far as the eyes can see. I deliberatly crash myself into situations where I'm utterly and completly stuck with no way out. Before, I thought I did it-either unconsciously or consciously- because of my thirst for daily life challenges. But lately I've started to realise that it has more to do with being innately mad than with anything constructive. I don't even enjoy these much-critisized careless escapades because most of the time, they just bring another dose of embarrasment and humiliation. I take it all with a smile. Vowing like a lion not to let that happen to me ever again in life. Thinking up strategies to allure myself into following a decently punctual schedual. I give myself small rewards, set up goals and try to motivate myself in all ways possible and yet I slip, time and again, into the person that I don't want to be. Its not that serious but its troublesome. It can make one detest oneself and yeah that is not a good feeling.

I'll relate this account as a shining example of the gift of carelessness that I posses.

I'm about to appear for my A level exams in like...two days. Yes, that is serious. Yes, I'm blogging here because this incident has left me in ruins, speaking in terms of nerves. Now before we enter an exam, we're supposed to be holding a certain 'statement of entry'. It is literally a ticket for the exam and if you don't have it, no matter what excuse you give, according to The Policy, you're barred from giving the exam. Our school issued them some time early last week, to be precise, that was last Monday. I, being a lazy duck, didn't bother to get it then. I wasn't actually delaying it (or atleast thats what I kept telling myself) rather just didn't go earliar because I knew that a whole chunk of hours would be chopped off the day I decide to pick it. We were expecting to have a sociology class some time before the exam so I had planned that I'll pick the statement whichever day I attent my class. On early notice, it was Wednesday but due to a 'family emergency' our teacher couldn't make it, so the class was postponed till Friday. I was slightly worried about the delay because if something had gone wrong with the official junk on Wednesday, which was very likely, I would have had the time to rectify it. Friday was like the end of the cliff. But as usual, taking my risks and living life as merrily as I can, I didn't bother much about it. Finally, Friday landed (today) and I went to school to attend a sociology lesson. After the class, I went over to the Administrator and politely requested for the statement. I knew, I was the last one to pick it, with exams just two days and had very little chance of receiving sympathy. But nevertheless, I tried. I sounded so meek and pleading, I would have given alms to myself! The Administrator wasn't as heated as I had expected but very calmly she planted a bomb on my head by declaring that my fee hadn't been paid. Now, anyone with the vaguest idea about the pace of monetary transactions in Pakistan would know that its no piece of cake. I knew there was no way on earth I could pay the fee today so I suggested if I could get the entry then and promised her to pay the fees by Monday. She remained adamant on her point; you can't get the statement unless you clear the bill. I felt like screaming down at her for being so selfish and materialistic. I mean its just a few thousand rupees, after all. Thats my own lame justification, in all fairness I am the one who needs to blamed. In the midst of this tense discussion she rattled something about The School Rules. But what good are rules if they can't be broken or moulded! To make things worse, I had no idea where the fee bill was. I wasn't even aware of ever receiving one, let alone finding it. I racked my mind, destroyed my peace and broke into a sweat. Now I know by experience (I've had the misfortune of losing my fee bill before as well) that to get another one issued is a task in itself that takes 2-3 business days. I couldn't possibly get another one issued, pay the fees and still have time to get the statement, without crossing the Monday deadline. Not to forget that I had this major obstacle of a day in this; the Merry day, i.e Sunday. And Sundays mean a halt on all official activities. Bad news for me. The administrator, in an attempt to be helpful offered me the school telephone to make a call home. I knew there was no use calling home because my parents are out of country, both my brothers were at school then and they're very irresponsible in any case, so no chance of being pulled ashore by the family. All through that time my mind was spinning like a motor, churning out one useless idea after the other. I ventured out of the office, dejected and sad. For the first time in my life I truly felt the tremors of being careless. But the lesson was learnt at the expense of something so horribly important. I just couldn't grasp the fact that my carelessness would come to harm me in such a poisonous manner!

Before one can get the statement of entry, one has to have signatures of a couple of teachers, including the Librarian on something called 'clearance slip'. I went over to the library, thinking matters couldn't go worse and asked her to sign the slip. She made a few random clicks on the computer, searching for my name from the database and ta-da, my name appears with a very innocent line ....'Ladies Coupe`-not returned'. She checked the date it was issued and it was...yes, October 2005. Ahem and the fine was somehere around Rs.500. She politely informed me that she can't sign the slip unless I pay the fine along with the book. The last time I saw the book was in winters and I didn't even know if it was in one piece because I shifted my room in early March and I never bothered to put the 'literature junk' in any place safe. I was sure there were many missing pages, that is if it wasn't already lost. So I begged her and related my tragedy. She seemed to be used to this type of drama and exaggeration so obviously she wasn't very helpful. I told her I'll pay double the fine if she'll just sign that darn slip because without it I won't be able to sit my exam! She looked at me intently for a while, trying to decide whether to trust me or not, gladly I was wearing the niqab. It helps sometimes :P Then finally she said OK and I thanked her profusely. Fortunetly I spotted my cousin reading some book in the corner. I went over to her and narrated the plight as nonchalantly as I could and asked her if I could get a cell (my own cell was out of credit). She didn't have one so she looked here and there, gave out a few hmmphs and ermms and finally got out of her chair to ask a friend. I was so happy finding a cell, her apparent hesitation didn't even bother me. I ran off to the toilets (we're not allowed to have cells in the school) and made a quick call to my sister, hoping she'd be awake by 10 am. Luckily she was and when I told her about the fee fiasco she sounded very helpful. I asked her to get someone from my dad's office to pay the fees. Giving those few directions abated my tension and I was glad that atleast someone was trying to do something about the problem. I went over to the bench and waited agonizingly to get the updates from my sister. In the meanwhile I thought, I'd search my school bag thoroughly before accusing someone and lo and behold! What do I find...a crumpled up envelope with my name written on it in the most ineligible of writings. Anxiously, I pulled out an even shrivelled 4-folded fee bill. Although I felt like giving myself a few spanks for totally crossing the line in being a forgetful jerk, I refrained in the interests of peace. Nevertheless, it was relieving to hold that extraordinary piece of paper that had the capability of turning my life upside down in a matter of few hours. When my sister called next, the office guy was on his way to the school to collect the fee bill and deposit the money in the bank. Its another story how he lost his way to school and how I was constantly giving him instructions on the phone. Suffice to say that my fees was succesfully deposited before 12:30 pm. When I received the confirmation stamp, I glided over to the office and gave the Administrator the treat of her eyes; a cleared bill. She signed it fashionably and gave me an earful for causing everyone so much trouble. But her reprimand seemed so gentle after what i had gone through. I bade her farewell and went home a changed person :)

Lessons learnt.

2006-04-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today I turned nineteen. I can never be 18, for the rest of my life. But on a more positive note, I have a whole life ahead of me, waiting for me, ready to be taken on in full swing. But if you come to think of it, years have little significance. 16, 17, 18, 19...they're all fleeting guests. Just a number, changes every year! Its the events and moments that you always cherish. I've had my fair share of wonderful memories and I'm glad. There's something celestial about being with genuine people; people who actually care. Maybe celestial seems too out of context here but thats exactly what I mean. The time spent then is eternal in some odd way. Its like a video on shuffle. It goes over and over again in your mind and you never get tired. Its a moment of bliss which becomes sweeter as the memory recedes into history. Probably I'll never be able to explain this in words well but that doesn't matter. If its something you can hold onto in times of distress and learn from, then thats what counts. Through the course of my seemingly orderly and uninterrupted life, I have learnt quite a bit. Happiness is something that has to be found. It will not, I repeat not, I repeat again not, crawl to you, or for that matter drive to you. It'll always stay put, hidden behind the smallest of actions, words, gestures, glances and even frowns. There are people out there who walk around with shadows of tragedies and yet you never see them without a smile. They have every reason on earth to be depressed, hurt or sad and yet they decide to keep up their hopes high. Its not that they don't care enough, they just make a positive choice. I know from experience and otherwise, that one can never have enough of anything. This goes out for practically everything. Human beings can't achieve excellence, perfection, pinnacle of success; there will always be room for improvement. So aiming for something you are not designed to have, is common but problematic, to say the least. I'm not implying any sense of failure or discouragement here. My point is...play along. One must learn to let go. Sometimes you're so blinded by your own love, that you just can't disgest the fact of someone not loving you back. Your own intensely powerful love for someone cannot, in any way, be an assurity of reciprocation. If someone's been only vageuly in love, they'll know what I mean.

Although this has got nothing to do with me turning nineteen today, lol. I felt like telling something that I've concluded. Its very important for one to be happy. Because happiness can do wonders for the soul. It can bring out the best in you, the good in you, the original in you. And its not a winning-an-award or getting-an-iPod kind of happiness. Because that one doesn't last. Its more like a drug, works on for a few hours, maybe couple of days but eventually it wears off. I'm talking about the everyday happiness, one that you feel on a daily basis. It has to be achieved, every time. And its only when you're hopeful and positive that you get to enjoy. I'm yet to hear about someone who's distressed, gloomy but happy. Its in our mental framework, how we decide to bolt the attitude. If we can learn to take life less seriously and move on, it'll save us alot of mental trouble. Its just too short and fast to be wasted. You know...opportunities are going to pop up all your life. They'll show up, every now and then and if you've truly put your heart into staying hopeful, you can avail them too. You just will, because Allah never disappoints.

General news

2006-04-19T03:01:00.000-07:00

I have written quite a many posts in this one month that I have not updated. But reading them now, I realise that not one of them is up to the standard or well, they're all just too petty and lame. Although during this process of not blogging all the nitty ditty details of my oh-so-eventful life, I have been able to achieve the single most important objective; my blog revolves around my life rather than it being the other way around. But just today I was reading in an article somewhere how writing has helped people to heal, in emotional terms. Not that I have any 'traumas' or tragedies to battle with, but for the sake of publishing something, I'm here.

Major news first, I just got through with my mocks and I have this weekend for a little recreation, even if only self-proclaimed. A very dear cousin recently got married, actually some time in the middle of my mocks. Other than the ill-timing, it was a sweet affair. I actually enjoyed the wedding, something I have never experienced before, lol. Probably because I'm never in the attention wing in all the previous weddings that I have attended so far. The bride and groom have always seemed so distant and so above everything. But this time around, it felt very homely. I've had the time and opportunity to closely observe a few people in my life that are somewhat close to me. I've discovered traits and attitudes previously unknown and undelt. You can't oversee these aspects in advance, you can only see them clearly when you're completely submerged in the affairs. So I guess there is always something about someone that startles one at some point in life. Actually, its just a matter of time. Give everything time and it'll all be clear to you. Rushing into something and then backing down is only a hurtful path. We should all be very careful.

My parents are not in the country so I'm usually on my own these days. The independance was exhilarting, but only for a short while. You have to do everything yourself, you're your own plan-maker, make your own decisions, sleep in late, stay awake all night long, sit and do nothing at all, all day long...then what? That's all there is to it. The freedom is prized yes but on most occasions only because its something that seems unattainable. I thought if I could get some degree of independance, it would do me alot of mental good. But I think it did not. I'll always need someone to look after me. I wonder how my husband will cope. I don't know but I've become very, very lazy. And I hate that. I can't get anything done in time these days. I'm going on 19 and I expect myself to be regular and attentive, atleast to my own affairs. But guess what...I'm not bothered! I hope I don't become the brat that I see myself becoming! Must...change.

USA is planning on to attack Iran. When reporters ask Bush or his cabinet members about this rumour, they're very careful in revealing information about it. They know for sure that once its announced, terrorism will escalate world over. So they're trying to keep it a low-key affair (when its anything but that) and are just concentrating on convincing the Dumb on how important it is to carry yet another war on a Muslim country. The war's next year, if you ask me. Can anyone believe that? Weapons of mass destruction...some garbage it was. Its the twenty first century and a world super power is on a killing spree, without even giving so much as a proof. The worst part is when it tries to explain its tyranny. I know alot has been said and written but...there's hardly any change, eh. USA invaded Afghanistan, rained down bombs on cities after cities, wrecked the entire country and even four years after the invasion and restless occupation, they still haven't achieved what they set out for; catching Osama Bin Laden. He's still somewhere, hiding and planning on something, still a mystery. Next it was Iraq's turn, Saddam Hussein happened to be in possession of weapons of mass destruction. USA also had the WMD but it was alright for them because they used it for peaceful purposes like bombing Muslim countries. For committing the grave sin of possesing non-existent weapons and appearing suspicious, the iraqi civilians were killed mercilessly. Cities were plundered, mosques were targeted and life was crippled. Its unfashionable to ask whether the WMD were actually found or not because that is plain irrelevant. What's relevant is that the Iraqi people have achieved freedom from a cruel dictator even if only at the expence of their loved ones. They should be thankful for the American army that came forward out of nowhere, chewing gums, like angels from heaven and rescused them and now they're living in a state where they're even afraid to venture out on the streets in fear of being killed or kidnapped. But its worth it because Saddam Hussein is no longer running the office, instead its people who are America's puppies and will do anything to serve the interests of their Boss; Bush. That sounds like a fairly democratic goverment, no? Oh and by the way, the americans will have unlimited acess to Iraq's oil. That wasn't part of the plan but just a mere coincidence. Bush is a man of God and upholds humane values. Yeah right.

A random whine.

2006-03-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

I have a life, albiet not as spicy as a celebrity's but its still a life and I should be thankful for it. Alhamdolilah.

2006-03-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

The three most precise, most comprehensive and most meaningful words (collectively speaking) in the universe are:

Life goes on.

2006-03-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

Assalamualykum People,

I'm missing someone but I can't seem to figure out who. Have you ever experienced a meaningless emptiness? Kind of like when someone you love leaves his seat for a while. You know that unreasonable, demanding yet genuine...yearning? I'm not sure if its meaningless or not but thats how it feels like. Its really strange because that feeling is very strong, almost staggering. And I have no idea as to who that person is. I think its my age. It must be, I'm 18 years old. People are having crushes left, right and center. I'm probably going through a more toned-down version of crush, only that I don't know my crush!

I'm hoping its the cliched spiritual emptiness that Great Thinkers go through at least once in their lifetime, which then becomes a major turning point of their lives. The point from where they go on to achieve the Big Things. I hope I'm yearning for a stronger relationship with Allah because that's the only one that lasts. The only one that comes without heartache and expectations. The only one that gives unrelenting satisfaction. I don't know how far honest I am with myself, anymore. Do I prefer to have a relationship with Allah because I'm afraid of having one with people? Is it because I cannot deal with the pressue of being with someone who reciprocates? Because of my inability to strike a balance in life in general and relationships in particular? Frankly, I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just doing it as a defence mechanism. As a way of steering myself clear from trouble. But that's not natural, is it? That's not even the point. The concept of loving Allah runs almost perpendicular to loving people. Its beyond comparison. They form two, different dimensions, but both can be practised alongside? Is that true?

Well if we forget everything written above, I just have one question, the feeling of wanting to love human beings and be loved by human beings is innate in all human beings?

2006-03-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

This is kind of long but read it through and if you try bringing the ways in your life, you'd feel relieved. I got this off a forwarded email :)

1. Do Not Interfere In Others' Business Unless Asked

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others’ affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction. This thinking denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of Allah Who has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way.All men or women act the way they do because God within them prompts them that way. There is God to look after everything. Why are you bothered? Mind your own business and you will keep your peace.

2. Forgive And Forget:

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often develop ill feelings inside our heart for the person who insults us or harms us. We nurture grievances. This in turn results in loss of sleep, development of stomach ulcers, and high blood pressure. This insult or injury was done once, but nourishing of grievance goes on forever by constantly remembering it. Get over this bad habit. Believe in the justice of Allah. Let Him judge the act of the one who insulted you. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forgive, Forget, and march on. Love flourishes in giving and forgiving.

3. Do Not Crave For Recognition:

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motives. They may praise you today because you are in power or useful to them, but no sooner than you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and will start finding faults in you. Why do you wish to kill yourself in striving for their recognition? Their recognition is not worth the aggravation. Do your duties ethically and sincerely and leave the rest to God.

4. Do Not Be Jealous:

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know that you work harder than your colleagues in the office, but sometimes they get promotions; you do not. You started a business several years ago, but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. There are several examples like these in everyday life. Should you be jealous? No. Remember everybody's life is shaped by Nature, which has now become his/her destiny. If you are destined to be rich, nothing in the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only take away your peace of mind.

5. Endure What Cannot Be Cured

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations, and accidents that are beyond our control. If we cannot control them or change them, we must learn to put up with these things. We must learn to endure them cheerfully thinking, "God wills it so, so be it." God's plan is beyond our comprehension. Believe in it and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength and will power.

6. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

This maxim needs to be remembered constantly. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable of carrying out. This is done to satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. Why take on additional loads that may create more worries? You cannot gain peace of mind by expanding your external activities. Reduce your material engagements and spend time in prayers, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind that make you restless. Neat mind will produce greater peace of mind.

7. Meditate Regularly

Meditation calms the mind and gets rid of disturbing thoughts. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it yourself. If you meditate earnestly for half an hour everyday, your mind will tend to become peaceful during the remaining twenty-three and half-hours. Your mind will not be easily disturbed as it was before. You would benefit by gradually increasing the period of daily meditation. You may think that this will interfere with your daily work. On the contrary, this will increase your efficiency and you will be able to produce better results in less time.

8. Never Leave the Mind Vacant

An empty mind is the devil's workshop. All evil actions start in the vacant mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. Do something that holds your interest. You must decide what you value more: money or peace of mind. Your hobby, like social and charitable work, may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even when you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of Allah’s name.

9. Do Not Procrastinate and Never Regret

Do not waste time in protractinating wondering "Should I or shouldn't I?" Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Always remember, God has His own plan, too for you. Value your time and do the things that need to be done. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can learn from your mistakes and succeed the next time.Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET. Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the Will of God. And learn to submit to It. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's Will. Why cry over spilt milk?*

The Racist Cartoons

2006-03-02T21:14:00.000-08:00

This man completely nailed the issue with his skillful writing. He has also confirmed my view of Muslims being targeted out in the same way as Jews were during the 1930s Europe. Read on...

By Eric S. Margolis

THE disgraceful racist cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed originally published by a sensation-seeking Danish newspaper have produced an international firestorm of hysteria and racism.
Mobs of enraged Muslims have rioted from Morocco to Indonesia and burned Danish and Norwegian embassies. Editors of other European newspapers that ran the offensive cartoons piously insist they did so to defend the sacred right of free speech.

This writer detests any form of censorship, including so-called ‘hate laws’ that are really modern forms of heresy and blasphemy statutes. But free speech, as the great American jurist Felix Frankfurter said, does not include the right to scream ‘fire’ in a crowded movie theatre.

And that’s just what the European newspapers did. They were trying to boost circulation and pander to anti-immigrant right-wingers by attacking Islam.

Nor is it a coincidence these grave insults occurred in Denmark. Its current rightwing government has been close to President George Bush, sent troops to Iraq and Afghanistan, and has adopted an unfriendly policy towards Denmark’s small Muslim community and the ummahh. While the Danish government had no direct responsibility for the cartoons, it helped foster a climate of hostility to Muslims.

This whole ugly business is really about anti-Islamism — the modern version of 1930s anti-Semitism. Today, promoting hatred and scorn for Islam and Muslims has become the only socially and legally acceptable modern prejudice in western society.

Just questioning the Jewish holocaust in Germany or Austria results in a jail sentence. Doing the same in Canada gets you thrown in prison or expelled. In the West, it’s totally a taboo to say homosexuality is wrong, or women are less intelligent than men. But it’s OK to slander Islam.

The Danish paper that ran the racist cartoons ‘to defend free speech’ refused in 2003 to run satirical cartoons of Christ, saying ‘it would provoke an outrage.’ So much for claims of defending free speech.

America’s four leading evangelical Protestant leaders, reverends Jerry Falwell, Franklin Graham, Pat Robertson, and Marvin Olasky preached a ‘crusade’ against Iraq. Graham branded Islam ‘an evil and wicked religion.’ They called the prophet ‘a terrorist.’ Among American evangelical Christians, 87 per cent supported invading Iraq and hoped to convert Iraq’s Muslims to Christianity.

Italian propagandist Oriana Fallaci churns out best-sellers calling Islam a dirty, backwards creed of violent thugs. In Paris, a Jewish newspaper editor, who should know about promoting hate against minorities, ran the Danish cartoons in his newspaper.

In liberal Holland, it’s cool to despise Muslims. In America, pseudo-historians and professional hate-mongers wage jihad in the US press against all things Islamic.

One Danish cartoon of Prophet Mohammed shows him with a long, hooked nose, thick lips, a sinister, malevolent glare on his ugly, semitic face and a curved dagger in his hand. Change the caption ‘Prophet Mohammed’ to ‘Jew swine’ and you have the exact double of Nazi anti-Semitic hate cartoons of the 1930s.

That’s what this is all about. Modern anti-Semitism, reborn. What Europeans are saying through these cartoons is, ‘we hate Muslims. We want all Muslims out of Europe.’ In the 1930s, Europeans held the same sentiments for Jews.

There can be no doubt all Muslims and Islam have been gravely offended. But having said this, too many Muslims have been reacting hysterically by rioting and burning embassies. The Prophet Mohammed and Islam don’t need rioters and arsonists to defend them.

In an act of pure childishness, Iran’s largest newspaper says it will solicit and run cartoons of the Jewish holocaust, proving there is no sickness as contagious as stupidity. This is no way for adults to behave.

Muslims suffered 150 years of the most brutal European imperialism and exploitation. Millions of Muslims were slaughtered by European and Russian colonialists, though we never hear about this green holocaust. Europe’s 20 million Muslims are third-class citizens. Muslims have every right to anger.

But where were all these angry Muslims when Serbs were massacring 250,000 Bosnians, gang-raping thousands of Bosnian Muslim girls and women, and blowing up mosques? Why have there been almost no protests over Russia’s horrifying genocide in Chechnya? Over, outside Pakistan, protests against India’s brutalities in Kashmir. Or the US invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq, and Australia’s annexation of East Timor?—Copyright Eric S. Margolis 2006

2006-02-26T05:24:00.000-08:00

It's so good to have Lahore's skies drizzling over us. I've been praying for this kind of weather ever since winters started. Alhamdolilah finally it's here and hopefully for long. Today's a Sunday evening with a pleasant weather, the circumstances are spelling out 'festivity' but unfortunetly nobody at my house is spirited enough to indulge in any sort of merry-making.

In other news, our fridge broke down and now smells of vegetables, fruits, rotten bits of food and yogurt are wafting through the house. Air freshners are nothing but a tender consolatory pat; they do no good, they clean no air, they just sit stoically sporting a fashionable fruit scent label. Nothing beats fresh air coming directly from the window.

Just a while ago, I applied a teeth-whitening gel on my teeth and now they're gleaming like stars! I hope the shine is permanent!

2006-02-22T06:29:00.000-08:00

You know, there are times in your life when you want to re-evaluate everything that you've ever done. All the actions and choices that you've taken up intentionally or unintentionally, out of force or choice. Because if you do not monitor yourself and throw yourself down for everyone to pick at and make assumptions about, you get very close to believing those assumptions. In other words, you loiter just inches away from being a hypocrite without even quite realising it. So constant thought and reminders are necessary for everyone to stay on the track.

I started out with a simple act because I thought it was what Allah wanted and I did it for Him alone. But after years and years of practising, it became just another ritual that I went through to go by my day and the seal of 'true purpose' was worn out by other trivialities. You could be sporting a 3 feet long beard and a topi on the head but this outward religious baggage bears little importance when weighed in comparison with the 'essence' behind these acts. And if one thing Shytan's an expert at, its rusting our beliefs. Silently and slowly, he feeds on, making as little noise and chaos as possible, but working on to create disasters that last. Every day, from morning till night, we carry through so many obligations and deeds, but without putting much thought. Practise makes perfect but what good is perfect when its without consciousness. Actions are not done for the sake of activity. Rather the point is to make a premeditated choice, and every time favouring Allah above all.

2006-02-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about something today and the little extra blog surfing has managed to fuel me with motivativation just enough to make me write. I've always been more of a reader than a writer. And this thought helps me to justify my laziness. Anyway, a few days ago a very good of friend of mine invited me over a little dholki-cum-get together at her place. The first reaction that went inside my head was a curvy no. I generally avoid going to mehndis and dholkis because of the haram nature of such occasions. That is so because I believe music to be forbidden in Islam. You can fight and argue all you want but thats what I chose to believe. If you've had any experience of attending such parties, you would know that the chief ingredient is music and dance. So this cuts off the deal and makes that place out-of-bounds for me. I attended one such function some time ago and felt that I must be the most foolish person on earth. If I don't support it then what on earth was I doing sitting there with everyone else... looking on.

I'm completely against putting unnecessary restrictions on myself that are actually quite halal in Islam. But how can I justify my attending such a party? Most of the invitees are going but a few who aren't have got another similar function to attend. No one that I know has refused because of the above mentioned reason. I'm not trying to come out as the martyr by flaunting my story of sacrificing a potentially enjoyable evening. My point is that...Islam has become strange for people. If I tell people that I shall not be dancing along with them on their eve of happiness, they'd be slightly offended or worst still they would think of me as a Miss-Attitude.

I think alot about standing my own ground...actually all the time. I know its always a struggle and thats why something is more rewarding but sometimes it becomes a burden. I have to duck out my way every time such an invitation is extended. Its not that the temptation is weiging me down but...why is it even such a big problem?

I love her alot for the person she is and she has never done anything, not even once, not in any manner, to hurt or humiliate me and for that I'm really thankful but there are times when I want her to be more action-oriented.

Imperial College London has banned niqab

2006-02-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

The dress code states that “employees and students should refrain from wearing clothing which obscures the face such as a full or half veil”. Muslim women, who observe the niqab, believe it to be a significant element of their religious identity, and do so as they believe it to be their religious obligation. By banning the niqab, this dress code policy is a direct infringement on freedom of religion afforded under British and European law.

Furthermore, since the beginning of this term, Muslim student and staff have had previous provisions for Friday congregational prayers taken away, without alternative permanent provisions being provided. This is unacceptable. We will not stand by and allow for basic rights to be denied to Muslim students.

If you feel the urge PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION HERE

2006-01-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

Someone telling you that they care for you genuinely, without any reasons, any strings attached, is one of the most wonderful feelings on earth. I'm too careful with intimacy, it seriously scares me because I feel very inadequate. I'm afraid of either putting too much effort or not being bothered at all. Love does come naturally, but the handling doesn't. Some learn with experience, some get shelled in out of fear of rejection and betrayal somewhere down the lane. I'm part of the latter group. I've spent a good part of my life sheltering awar from intimacy. It requires of us to become vulnerable to a certain degree, to bring down our defences and let the world see through us. I've never reached that point in my life because I'm just too insecure and unsure of myself. This is not to say that I have low self-worth. I don't even know what it really is, because according to psychology low self-esteem breeds lack of confidence and habits of seclusion. I do have them from time to time, but its not consistent. My confidence is always fluctuating, it has got more to do with people, rather than my own experiences. I might come across as a very confident, daring person at one time, while a complete nut-case, coward little child at another. I often feel that there is something gravely wrong with me. Its no use going over the internet with this thought because I'd probably end up diagnosing myself deadly disorders that just sound funny.

So coming back to the point, its an amazingly incredible moment when someone tells you that they truly care for you, for reasons they don't even know themselves. I never knew such a thing existed. I mean I've lived life and I've been with people of all sorts (almost!), I know quiet alot about natural human instincts and ways and to top it all, I have a scrutinizing eye that searches blank expressions for meanings and pursed lips for words...yeah so I guess I can say that I'm vaguely aware of how an average human being functions. And the jist of my conclusion is that this world is structured around using people for its own advantage. Its everywhere, just go outside in the sun, run into any crowded place swarming with people and you'd find yourself nodding your head rhythmically, astonished at my prediction. Isolating others from my generalisation, I've been through this myself. No, not in taking advantage but in being taken advantage of and the people who think that I don't realise that are well...just plain dumb. So no one should really blame me for forming this highly eccentric view of concern. Unfortunetly for me, I've only been exposed to the ugly side of concern. It is warm and loving but behind it is always a motive that you wouldn't want to dig out. Quite naturally, thats why when someone today said something to the effect that she really cares for me, I was slightly taken aback because I did not expect it to be this pure. That certain person had voiced this numerous times before as well but I always let the loving comment pass because I thought it was a one-time remark made out of courtesy or plain pity. I did not believe it in the first place, even when I desperately wanted to. I wanted to hold onto it but I deliberately refrained as I thought it was said only because of the loved-up mood of the moment. I did not realise that certain someone who I've known only for a year could become so selflessly close to actually care for me! Its a whole new concept for me and admittedly I'm glowing in the knowledge of this fact. I've harboured this misconcetion about that person for as long as I can remember, but I could never find the guts to ask, because there was this fear of appearing too stupid. But today I thought I'll just throw my hand in the cold, shiver and come back all aware! Fortunetly, as it turns out...I am aware and I am happy. Jazakallah for adding something warm to someone's life.

2006-01-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

So much is going on and so little time to reflect and analyse. For starters, I've been insanely busy with studies. I come home around 8 ish and after that I'm only eager to go to bed. I've not been spending alot of time at home lately and that's been helpful in making up my mind over certain views. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of isolation to think clearly. Although you can make up all the theories in the world, but putting them into practise is something horribly different. I've seen this happening, I've been through this cycle of 'thought and revealation' when you extract sense out of the tense circumstances but when it comes to actually playing your part in real life, you're caught off guard. Its irritatingly ironic!

And now I've come to the point that I deliberately stop myself from thinking because what I imagine and what actually happens are events of two different worlds. Predictions, intutions...all crap. Taking life head-on....not an easy job. I wish I could just take a back seat from all the noise and clatter and get off whenever I want. Another problem is striking a balance. I'm hopeless in that, I don't know how much to give, when to give, whom to give; what to do...! I say there are just too many choices and options to choose from, which makes us more accountable and responsible for our problems and miseries. We bring on everything ourselves.

2006-01-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life you realise that its just love that matters. Love between family. I wish I hadn't been this ignorant and I wish I had been more giving. Because you lose your chances and there's no greater pain than the pain of regret.

Bakra Eid.

2006-01-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

Assalamualykum everyone!

Eid Mubarak to all those who're celebrating their Eids tomorrow, i.e 11 th January '06. I'm fond of Eids but not in a very apparent way. I don't go leaping around on the sofas with joy. Yes, I used to do that when I was young but now I'd rather sit near the heater and think about the transition the world went through in general, since the last Eid-ul-Adha. I think this is going to be the coldest Bakra Eid because Lahore's temperature has been unusually chilly this year. A few days ago it dropped to a frozen minus 2 and I was in a state of bliss. Its very strange, the way weather's been acting lately. Last year's summers touched a boiling 49 degree C. I remember that during summers I said I wouldn't mind freezing to death, but now realising its true horror...its so darn scary!

But anyway, winters are infinately better than summers. There's absolutely no question about it, atleast in our part of the world. There's only one disadvantage of winters and that is, extreme cold. But its generally easier to get stuff done in Winters. For example, wearing niqab comes as a blessing in winters. If nothing it keeps the cold away from your face. Whereas in summers with a roasted sun staring at you till 7, its so hard to make it seem desireable. The only thing that gets me going is the realisation that Hell fire would be infinately hotter than this heat. Although, this type of argument might not make sense to someone who's against the whole idea of niqab in principle.

Coming back to Eid, we're housing our entire paternal family for Eid's main meal tomorrow. We're thirty three and thats alot! But considering that we haven't done this ONCE before...its justified, I guess. I'm making Russian salad and serving pepsi/seven up. It took my entire day just to make the 'cutlery arrangements' for such a huge get together. Its enjoyable but its very tiring. I think we, as Pakistanis should completely revolutionalise the whole 'Dinner' system in our society. Each family should bring one edible dish, this way they'll be no burden on the lady of the house (not to forget her poor daughters as well). The One Dish system is practised some times but for the most part, its rejected because that way 'everyone' has to make a little contribution... which is precisely what people hate doing. Ever since I turned 14, all Eids have been the same, more or less. I don't know why though because when I was younger, each Eid was distinct in its own way and much more festive. Just because I'm older doesn't mean Eids should get boring! I can so accurately imagine tomorrow's Eid day. Everyone would be sitting around the lounge, eating dry fruit and cracking equally dry jokes then laughing over them as if they're the best one-liners the world has ever heard. Eid means the entire family forced together under roof, which they may/or may not willingly do otherwise, talking about random things that range from the next wedding to washing kids nappies. Discussions take a complete 180 flip and nobody even notices! Someone could be talking about Musharraf when a certain someone would mention the latest medicine for back ache and everybody would start contributing their own two penn 'orth complete with a tilted head and knitted eyebrows. Its so funny how older people always want to appear as the all-knowing. Just being older in years doesn't mean that they know everything that is to know. I think this is a huge difference between the young and the old. If a young person doesn't know about something, he/she would accept it and will be willing to learn, whereas an older person would prefer to pretend and give baseless information than to accept their inadequacy. I've often caught them in this situation so I'm talking from experience. They clasp their hands together, stare in the abyss with a distantly philosophical look in the eyes and then slowly part their lips to let an ocean of wisdom flow from within...Its just so funny when instead of wisdom comes out some gurgling noises that finally form words and then sentences that are well...lets just say not very sensical or not quite relevant in the context of the discussion. These people have a way of bringing down everything to their old childhood and how they excelled at this government school and used to walk millions of miles and cross tens of canals before they reached the school. And how hard they've worked all their lives and how deserving they are in everything and how much experienced they've gain and how younger people don't listen to them and how if these younger people don't listen they'd end up living on streets and how life is like one long dream and how we should all live are lives like them and how everything should be just about them...and oh Allah, the list goes on and on and on!

I'm sorry but I just needed to write about this common trait found among most older people. Its funny and I often laugh watching them but I so hope that I don't end up the way they have...Insha'Allah and Ameen.

Real life meeting...

2006-01-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

And I had the most wonderful time ever with Zainab and Aysha and Ushi. Even though the meeting was only for a mere 20 minutes I think, but I'm always always going to remember it. The adverse circumstances helped in building up the excitement; the timings weren't matching, either they'd be busy or I'd be swamped up with something. And inviting them at our place was out of the question. They had their entire days booked. It wasn't even planned, I casually asked my aunt and being the sweet person she is, she agreed at once to take me to their place. So we just drove over and met. I never knew that I could feel at ease with people I've never met before, but I just did and it felt so nice. So so nice and warm. Just so you know, zainab and aysha are two sisters that I got to know through their cousin's blog (Ushi). Eventually I convinced Zainab and Aysha into starting their own. Both did, but Aysha has closed hers down because she got busy with university and all. Zainab is my postal buddy, she and I have exchanged numerous letters. So I knew pretty much everything about them but just hadn't met in real life. It felt so awkward standing at the gate with two very tall people, hugging them and meeting them for the first time ever but having known them for so long. But once we all got down to sitting, all the nervousness and anxiety just evaporated!

I can't carry off small talk well and neither am I a good conversationalist. I'm much better off observing people, atleast thats what I believed until now. But this one small slice of socialisation has forced me to think otherwise; talking is so much better, so much more relieving and so much more...memorable.

Jazakallah for the hospitality and for being so welcoming :D

2006-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Its been one long break from blogging. I'm done with exams and every other officiality on earth but still its hard to manage time for blogging. I remember there was a time, not so long ago, when my life revolved around blogging. But not anymore, its rather the other way round now. The way it should be; blogging revolves around my life. Its good to be busy with constructive activities that are actually contributing something to make me a better human being. I don't despice studies and I don't condem education but I just think that alot of times we go a little over board in emphasizing them.

Coming back to the post, I've been busy attending/housing a jamat from South Africa. They were seven ladies in total and masha'allah 4 of them were in their early twenties. It's just so pelasing to the eyes to see such young people spending their youth on strengthening their Iman. Its a blessing, honestly. To be aware and to have the realisation in our hearts of our true purpose in this world. Our true purpose is not to 'give up everything in the name of Allah' and walk out on everything and everyone. Although, it could mean altering our present life style. Its not about going to an extreme either; its about striking a balance, its about having that awareness in our hearts and acting accordingly. That is it basically. Unfortunetly, we're not even properly aware. How could we ever set things right when we don't know everything that we need to know? But even more importantly, we need more 'amal'. We need more action and we need more repetition. We've been studying about Islam ever since we started school. Everyday, all round the year. But how many of us have actually sat down with our head in our hands, thinking about it? Analysing it? Thinking of ways with which we can bring it in our lives? We hear about Islam, we hear about salah, we hear about being honest, we hear about encouraging others on good deeds, we hear about being generous, we hear about the greatness of Allah, but do we ever utter these words ourselves? Do we ever talk about Allah and His attributes? This kind of boring religious talk is left for the stoically emotionless moulvis and mullahs to do on the Friday khutbah or on a late night T.V program. Its associated with them. We consider these mualvis to be pious and honest and respectable but we never want to be like them. Why? Because the version of religion that they paint is...without fun, without any traces of excitement, basically without life. And we don't want to get into all that Holy stuff just as yet, because we're young and we're energetic and desperate to have 'fun'.

I believe that at the heart of all this religious talk lies the element of 'love'. Love comes naturally to all human beings. This is one of the most powerful emotion that can make a man touch all extremes. So it is through the love of Allah that we can truly gain an insight into our religion. The first step is to establish an extremely strong relationship with Allah; to submit ourselves totally at His command and to love Him the most. Because when we love somebody it becomes easier for us to follow his/her ways and wishes. We try our darnest to be close to him/her and associate ourselves with him/her in all ways possible. Similarly, if we love Allah then following His commandments would come naturally to us. We will be willing to make sacrifices for Him and we'd do everything according to His wishes. And that's basically what He wants from us. Now, how to attain that complete and strong bond with Allah? Since He is not apparent in any physical form, the only way we can achieve that is by talking about Him and His greatness. So the answer lies in repetition. And when we repeat this over and over again, there will come a point when we'll actually start loving Allah. We need to talk of Allah as often as we can and we need to follow His orders. If we follow a blend of these we wouldn't be needing any anything else to sustain our spirituality. And once the spirituality is fed, our hearts will be at peace.

I know my posts have taken a very sermon-like tone but these days I'm trying to get at something. I'm trying to make sense out of all this and for that I need to write out my thoughts and my perception of religion. You might not agree with me :)

2005-12-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

So Lahore is under a massive flu spell. Everywhere I go I see people sniffing their noses off; a crumpled up tissue paper in one hand, watery eyes and sneezing like there's no tomorrow. But nothing beats the cool nasal tinge to the voice. Thats the best part of flu. You get to sound 'cool'! Anyway, I've had my rightful share and don't wish to be flued twice in winters.

Alhamdolilah the exams have finally dropped out of the scene and now I can relax and think clearly. Not that I was studying like crazy before but still now there's no sword of an upcoming exam looming over my head. I gave my last exam for sociology and was reuqired to prepare for only one topic 'family'. While studying it, something continually kept on striking me; how much energy and time do we waste on trivalities. For example numerous sociologists and especially the feminists have spent their lives examining the diverse families found in different societies, explaining their functions, causes of existence, practicality, benefits etc. These people have laboured for years and painstakingly magnified the minutest details of matrimonial relationships to prove their point. While there's nothing wrong with it, I just find it too worthless a task to spend time on. Because we're not to sure as to what we're supposed to do, we keep on indulging ourselves into details that are not even important. Like what's the point of trying to prove one form of family superior than the other?

Anyway, yesterday was Christmas for the merry Christians and Quaid-e-Azam's birth anniversay. I didn't get to see any celebrations because I have not been in touch with newspapers but thats alright. Tomorrow we're invited at a friend's place for a fake dholki, I hope we're able to make it as original as possible. Then the day after is the school bonfire. Mayya, you're invited to join in, if you don't have any weddings to attend. School will reopen on 15 th January and that gives me 15 days of pure holiday. I think instead of making plans of my own, I should just help my mum around the house. As prudish as this sounds, I know sooner or later I will have to turn myself into the stereotypical domesticated eastern lady. Not that I have a problem with it, I just hate the way its overly-emphasised in our society. Its no big deal learning how to make chapatis, or to learn cooking/baking etc. I know these are boring tasks but its always a plus point to be able to run a house, in terms of food supply. I think I've made a whopping mistake by nottaking Arts and subjects related to cooking/baking. And I don't think I harbour a hatred for these subjects as intense as my cousin. I just felt these subjects were too...feminine for me. But now that I take everything into account, I see that I would have done good had I been an Arts student. But its almost the end now, I should gather whatever little skills I have unnaturally created in myself and move on. If anyone will ever need a secretary, please hire me. Because with my glamours future prospects I don't see myself earning grands! Earning not to support but earning for fun, that is.

2005-12-22T05:47:00.000-08:00

My exams are still under-way but I'm almost done with the major ones. Its relieving, though not very satisfying because I did not do well at all. Anyway, I've already made plans for my post-exam time. Insha'Allah I want to read Quran thoroughly, with the tafseer. Because honestly speaking I don't know much about the Quran. I've read it in Arabic plenty of times but now its just a repetition of words that I don't understand. That means I've not been able to take guidance from it, which was the original purpose. I think I must really get into it and make an effort to absorb it, comprehend it and take it in completely. I need to have my first-hand reading as well before referring to people for knowledge. So Insha'Allah this is one of my first priorities. Next comes buying alot of folders. I don't need them, no and I'm pretty sure I won't use them either but I still want to have them. Israaf, isn't it? Total israaf.

I need to meet a few of my friends who'v come down to Pakistan. They are my online friends so that means I've never met them in person and this will be the first time. I hope everything goes well because I'm sort of a social outcast. OK, that would be a strong word, let's just say I'm not very talkative with people. I might even come across as being very reserved and zipped up intitially. Its just me, I don't open up so quickly. Proabably thats why people think that Niqabis are arrogant. I don't know their reasons but mine are not due to arrogance and pride.

News:
In this wretchedly cold month of December, I've heard of the deaths of two people that are not distantly related. One was of a friend's healthy grandmother and the other was of my father's cousin's 20-year old son; bright and young, ready to take on the world but shot down by a bunch of boys on motorcycles. Murderes. I can see no better word for them. He was standing outside his house in broad daylight when some thugs came up to him and asked for his mobile at gun-point. He handed it over and they shot him down. Just like that, with the click of a gun an old man's eldest son, his only support went down. My father's cousin was literally crying on the phone. Previously he had lost his wife to cancer and now this heart-breaking incident. Can anyone even imagine the state of his mind? What he must be going through? The agony and the pain and the loss of something that cannot be replaced, gone forever. Death is inevitable but in times like these it catches up with you so quickly and so abruptly, its scary. Especially in Karachi, its horrible.

I'm interested in Judaism. Very much interested. Not because I'm curious to experiment something other than Islam but because I think in some ways its very similar to Islam. I want to study those links and similarities that are found in all three major religions of the world; Christanity, Judaism and Islam. I've heard that if you read them in one go, they almost form a chain. Although, I'm not very sure about this considering the fact that both Torah and bible have been distorted. Anyway, its just a far-fetched dream. I don't even know any jews! I had one Jewish friend but she turned to Islam and reverted back in 2003. Plus I'm not even in touch with her. But I'm hoping that internet would be a great help on its own. Let's see...I wanted to study about sufism but now it all seems very ambiguous to me. Its a bit of a hidden religion. You have to have those layers of depth in you or endurance to truly understand it. It seems a bit impractical to me. I'm most certianly not willing to give up 'everything'. And even more importantly, why should I? Giving up everything would get me to God? I know its not as simple as I'm making it seem, but thats one of the important doctrines. Sufism is too cryptic and too vague for me. Anyway, I'll read on and let you know how my study of Judaism goes. Take care everyone.

Hijab - differing views.

2005-12-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

People...enjoy!

mid-exam insanity

2005-12-10T01:33:00.000-08:00

I perfectly understand that I'm trapped in the prison of exams and the only thing that I should indulge myself in should be studies. But inspite of the knowledge, I'd rather sleep my time away. Wisdom, eh. Because honestly, doing the right thing is not at all interesting. In fact its the most boring of all things. You know you're right and thats it. There's no danger, no chance, no risk, no excitement! So I've decided that I'm going to pamper myself. In all ways possible. Which means even less hours of study. Ah, justifying myself when I'm so beautifully wrong is the best. Simply priceless!

Exams

2005-12-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

I'm about to start some very serious exams. I will remain crushed under the pressure for almost an entire month. And that would be our wonderfully frosty December. What a complete waste... AnywayI will reappear near the start of January, insha'Allah. Till then take care and remember me in your duas.

Signing off.

Me.

2005-12-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I used to talk to this Australian girl who wanted to embrace Islam. At that time she was still studying about it, so I helped her out in any way I could. We exchanged a total of about 10-15 emails in a months' time and used to talk for long hours on MSN. She was at some university in Sydney, probably second year of her bachelors. At her university she met this Muslim guy...Husband. He is a Pakistani, but born and bred in Australia. I figured that Rehan directed her towards Islam. While being interested in Islam, she also wanted to know everything about Pakistan and its culture. Thats when I came. I formed detailed e-mails that covered just about everything on Pakistan, its colonial history, the culture, the language, the people, the places, the attitudes, the rituals, the Pakistani Islam etc. and sent them to her. I used to be very particular and regular in these teaching history lessons cum emails. I think I preferred teaching her urdu over my homework. And I suffered greatly because of this. Because of my heavy internet addiction. It all took its toll on my studies. They didn't matter to me, at all. I thought knowing about people and interacting was priceless and studies could be resumed at any time in my life, but clearly just not that. So I just typed my days away and was in a state of bliss. Anyway, lets not deviate from the point.

I stopped emailing her regularly after a short time of 3-4 months and eventually fell out of touch. I kept a track of her life from her internet nicks. One fine day, it was 'married'. I sent her an email filled with congratulations. She had accepted Islam and was very practising or so it seemed. Then around a few months from now, her nick was changed to 'delivery today insha'Allah' and then finally 'baby boy!!!' So I followed the circle from her reversion to Islam to the birth of her son. It felt complete and satisfying. And now after the birth of her son, she's been writing about the progres that he makes as a human being; 'baby's first step', 'baby's first word' etc etc. Last night her nick was ' life is so depressing' and that made me worried. She was NEVER sad/depressed or any of the other synonyms. She was generally very bubbly and talkative. So I decided to renew the long chat sessions, even though I'm just a week away from my send-ups. This is how it went and it completely broke me to learn about her 'ultra-religious, pakistani' in-laws.

????? says: [smiley]
????? says:Thanks for the msg before. Are you available to talk
?????? says:I just need to ask you a few things..
????? says:Alhamdulillah
????? says:Sis... I have a problem
????? says:
????? says:You know I'm married to a paki brother right
?????? says:Well.. we've just told his parents we wish to move out and they've gone crazy..
????? says:I don't know what to do
?????? says:His Dad is saying that we don't do this in our culture
????? says:n his mother is balling her eyes out
????? says:Mother
????? says:But this isn't islam sis
????? says:No.. I know.. he's the only son,
????? says:But so
?????? says:This is my right..
????? says:I can't take it anymore
????? says:I'm considering asking for a divorce
????? says:He said.. he doesn't think his Mum can handle it
????? says:So he thinks it's best if we stay
????? says:But I can assure you I've cried more
????? says:I don't want to disrespect his parents
????? says:But if it was going to be this way, why didn't anyone tell me in the beginning?
????? says:She won't talk to me

????? says:But sis.. my husband is religous masha'Allah, but he won't go against his mother and she's made it very clear where she wants him to be
????? says:Just lcoally
????? says:No
????? says:She was thinking inter-state.. n started crying even more.. but what about my parents
?????? says:They live far away
????? says:And they can't come and visit me because we don't have our own place
????? says:They live 16 hours away
????? says:She said that because we're close it's worse..
????? says:Because there shouldn't be a need to move out
????? says:But I need my own privacy
????? says:Quite honestly I'm sick of being interrupted all the time
????? says:And being expected to cook and clean for everyone
????? says:My SIL treats me like a slave
????? says:and leaves her 4 kids for me to watch

????? says:Without asking me.. because that's the paki "Culture"
????? says:Mind you, she wears niqab.. I am so confused
????? says:I have to wear hijab all the time in my OWN house because my brother in laws are always over
????? says:I'm not sis
????? says:I know my rights ..
????? says:That's why I am upset, because this is my husbands obligation
????? says:He told his Mum and she said "then I'll tell them not to come"
????? says:Sis, she goes to a shariah college.
????? says:She learns about all this!
????? says:She'll tell her daughters (and their husbands) not to come
????? says:I personally think that's unfair
????? says:Because it's their parents
????? says:Yes
????? says:Thank you sis
????? says:This has been happening for a long, long time sis
????? says:I have manic depression because of it
????? says:n my doctor told me to move out..
????? says:She said that it was best..
????? says:I feel like I am a servant, seriously
????? says:We've been married almost 2 years
????? says:Why is it the culture to expect daughter in laws to do these things?
????? says:I had a baby, n 2 days later I'm scrubbing the floor
????? says:Why?
????? says:That's crap
????? says:WHY
?????? says:It's not islam
????? says:What's wrong with these people?
????? says:Very..
????? says:Even islamically
????? says:I don't want to commit ghiba, but yes and no
????? says:I mean, my mother in law prayers, but she covers with a dupatta
????? says:You know? It upsets me..
????? says:Because it's like they preach islam, but aren't prepared to do things the right away
????? says:She goes to a shariah college.. I mean, that's just not making sense to me
????? says:If you learn, you apply
????? says:There is none of this going on in this house
????? says:They act all religious on the outside, but aren't on the inside
????? says:You know sis.. my husband is giving money to his mother and my son and I are going without
????? says:My husband has bought one lot of nappies for him since he was born
????? says:n that's it
????? says:My husband goes on tabligh, but when it comes to his mother.. I am left on the side, and so is islam
????? says:He gave his mother 3/4 of our money one week and we were left with 100 for 2 weeks..
????? says:I said I was going to go back to work and he went crazy.. said no. But what choice am I left with? I have to provide for myself.. and my son
????? says:Maybe if it comes to that.. then we can get your Mum to talk to her.. insha'Allah.
????? says:But we'll see how it goes. Perhaps it was just the initial shock of finding out her son is leaving?
????? says:We were supposed to go this month, his cousin is getting married and they are very close but my husband can't go.
????? says:I was going to go with my Father in law, but I didn't want to go by myself
????? says:He just got a job with IBM..
????? says:So he has to start that
????? says:Alhamdulillah
????? says:My inlaws were just there
????? says:They came back last week
????? says:My SIL is in Karachi now
????? says:She didnt, but my Father in law did
????? says:Insha'Allah we're planning to come for Eid next year
????? says:September
????? says:
????? says:Insha'Allah
????? says:No..
????? says:It isn't common for women jamaat
????? says:(here)
????? says:There aren't enough women involved
????? says:It happens once a year
????? says:Really?
????? says:Ooh masha'Allah
????? says:Yes, I think I met them
????? says:Yes.. I think so
????? says:I cooked them food when they were at our masjid
hehe
????? says:I learnt to cook paki food
????? says:
????? says:I know
????? says:I am the maid
????? says:My Mother in law was saying to my husband that when she was young she stayed with her in laws n I said, yes, but you had maids
????? says:You had people to clean and mop and take care of your kids
????? says:and cook
????? says:I have enough trouble taking care of my son.. let alone having the sole responsibility of everything else
???? says:I haven't ironed clothes in a month because I have no time
????? says:My SIL had a baby recently
????? says:n I was watching 8 kids on my own
????? says:That's why I need my own place
????? says:Sometimes I can't even be bothered to pray because I am so exhausted
????? says:n it shouldn't be like that
????? says:Yes
????? says:Well, I know my deen alhamdulillah
????? says:So they picked the wrong one
????? says:You know sis I was sleeping once (I was 8 months pregnant) and we had guests come over at like 9pm. My Mother in law woke me up to make chai and food
????? says:I feel so used
????? says:and so hurt
????? says:They are good people sis, don't get me wrong. But they are stuck on this culture
????? says:n it upsets me..

????? says:I know..
????? says:I told my husband that I didn't want my kids growing up in this house believe that this is the way islam is
????? says:Well, he was the one who woke me up
????? says:If his Mum asks, he does it
????? says:Sorry sis, I'm going to have to go.It's almost 2am.. I have to see my friend tomorrow..
????? says:I am going home on Sunday for 3 months
????? says:I am thinking to go back to school
????? says:n my Mum will watch my son
????? says:I will only go one day a week
????? says:Oh
????? says:Another thing
????? says:Is it common for the MIL to watch the kids for the daughter?
????? says:I thought so..
????? says:My MIL has never watched my son
????? says:So I wonder which part of her culture she wants to live by
????? says:Sometimes I think they pick the bits they like
????? says:And leave the rest

????? says:Thank you so much
????? says:
????? says:Yup
????? says:Mobile :********
????? says:***********************
????? says:Australia
????? says:I don't know what it is
????? says:I will email it when I arrive
????? says:At my parents house
????? says:Coz I am leaving in 2 days
????? says:Insha'Allah I will
????? says:I will email you
????? says:Please don't speak to anyone else about this
????? says:You can talk to your mUm
????? says:Yes, that's fine
????? says:
????? says:Insha'Allah
????? says:Must go. JazakAllah khair for the chat
????? says:Insha'Allah I'll email you .. let you know what happens
????? says:
????? says:Take care..
????? says:Assalaamo alaikum sis

SIL- sister-in-law , MIL- mother-in-law

2005-11-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

The day after tomorrow, that is Sunday, I'm going to appear for my third SAT I. No, no, these are not re-tests or anything similar. These are called 'make-up' tests. A fancy word to carpet the inefficiency of their examination system, I say. I've been preparaing for SAT since August and this is not to say that I've become proficient in its way, but only to make you realise how dreadfully boring I find to prepare for it, again and again. Right now, I'm trying to cram the WordList. The sacred WordList that changes your scores drastically. This is the only part of the SAT preparation that I truly savour. Although, I've not put my new vocabulary to use here on the blog, in fear of my work becoming too pompous as people say, I've felt educated just giving these words a seat in my mind.

Besides that, winters are setting in Lahore finally. Last night's touch of fog and haze confirms my claim. Even in the morning, it was coldly sunny and last night's white wiff was very much apparent. At school, I'm really enjoying my sociology classes, we're studying about families these days and its truly enlightening. With each new class, we discover another element of idoticy, absurdity and plain nuttiness in the feminist perspective. Its one of the most nonsensical theories I've ever heard. How could they justify when they're not even making sense? A question you'd ask. Yesterday, after reading a full paragraph on something about feminism and families, my teacher remarked with utter seriousness:

So this is basically all bakwaaas.

Then she went on with the actual explanation. But she summed it up so well in the begining.

Even though most of the time, I find myself contradicting with sociologists, I like reading about them. All sociologists tried to come up with some universal theory that could cover everything. But as with all man-made laws, their theories had limitations. The theory would work for a century to the most and then some wise guy would find loop-holes. He'd offer his biased critisim which people would accept readily and then bad-mouth the previous sociologist. Losers. This new guy would put forward his reformed view which would look all glamourous and everything and people would consider him the best, only to be worshipping someone else after the next 50 years. No doubt the theories improved as time passed but they'll never be universal. People argue, that its because societies are constantly changing. Because of the constant technological advancements that change peoples lifestyles, preferances, everything etc, that makes it impossible to come up with something that can explain every darn phenomena taking place in the society. Human beings are incapable of forming all-embracing laws. I believe that most of these sociologists were basically trying to formulate a code of life. Making laws about the human society so that it becomes easier to predict behaviors and detect deviance. Some form of standard for everyone to follow and measure from. But even in that very basic goal, the sociologists divided and formed two great camps; the positivists and the interpretivists. As much as I want to elaborate on that, I wouldn't because....well its not really all that interesting. Anyway, this is the point where you see Islam making a head-way. As cliched as it is to say that Islam is the code of life, its very much relevent here. Islam is not limited to a race or a nation or an era or time, it can be practised anywhere and everywhere by anyone from a begger to a King, till the day the earth explodes. You don't find limitations in it and its laws don't change overnight. It covers everything under the sun and tells you exactly how to and when to do things. It gives you the manual for living your life. It encourages you to ponder, to compare and to make the effort of learning. The laws are perfectly functional, have always been and will always be. It feels so good to compare, because the comparison makes my belief strong.

2005-11-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

These days I'm trying to sit my life down and have an active argument with it. Its a hectic hobby but its reaping some benefits so I'm happy. The 18 years passed away in such a whirl that I can't even point the different between the years. Life just took place and went on, without any thoughtful interruptions . Some people came, talked and left a lasting impression. The fleeting moments are all that I remember.

When I was younger, things were simpler. Patterns were easier and predictable, there were no puzzles to solves, probably because I took everything my parents said, for gospel (figuratively speaking). The question of 'why' simply didn't exist. Neither was I too keen on contradicting. I thought I'll look up into the matter of negating later but for then the explanation was enough to satisfy me. It was because it was. How could it be otherwise, anyway? I considered my parents to be epitome of knowledge. I thought my father was a genius and often marvelled at the way he explained things to me, with carefully chosen examples that fitted in so well. Not that he's any less intelligent now but just that I seem to have different questions now. His words had depth or so I thought. When you're young, it doesn't take much for someone to appear intelligent. Big words and confusing theories are all that it takes. Theories that don't make sense to you then, but you still consider them to be sacred because they pose a challenge, which you feel incapable of taking. My father talked about so many things, linking them with one another and with so much ease, each word screaming out 'I've been there, I've seen it all'. And I was so sure that he'd have an answer to all my questions. He did have, to some extent. He did went through a similar experience and knows all the ups and downs that come with The Search. He was way too experimental with life compared to me. He took more risks than I will ever and he did succeed in finding something that is universal to him and helps him feed his spirituality. But one thing that no parents in the world understand is that their experiences and their life is in no way similar to ours. Their perspective on everything doesn't fit with us. In a society like ours, its getting harder to relate with ones parents. The frequently used phrase that ' we know whats best for you'...doesn't much sense to me then. Parents are, without doubt the most sincerest, loving and the most selfless people a child can ever have, but it doesn't mean that they enforce their views. It doesn't mean that they push you to believe in something. It doesn't mean that they ask you to adopt something that they found to be absolutely right. What they found on their own maybe works out for them but it doesn't neceassrily has to work out for you as well. It can, however, I'm not ruling out that possibility. Or maybe it will with the passage of time, if not now. But what if parents do leave their children to decide on their own and they only end up being completely immoral and off-the-track? Who is to blame then? Parents for giving the freedom to decide? Or children for choosing the wrong way? You can't win either way, unless you have sensible kids or wise parents. Which so few of us have. Yes, I think alot about raising my kids. Its seems like such a formidable task and a burden on my shoulders.

I've begun to understand that if there is something that bothers me, its only I who can truly do something about it. I'll have people telling me their views and theories all my life. They'll try to make me follow their version of truth but in the end its only me who has to strive for every question that ever arose in my tiny brain. And as much as it bothers me to have so many different, confusing realities, I'll have to take the risk and accept one of them as being right.

2005-11-17T04:55:00.000-08:00

I'll get better. This will get better. That will get better. Things will get better. Life will get better. It'll change. It'll be alright. It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. We live in a world where people are constantly looking for happiness. We're all structured that way. We want to be happy no matter what, no matter how adverse our circumstances are. We all believe that happiness is our rightful share, we deserve it. But how to go about getting it...? That's the million-dollar question that needs a quick solution. And no doubt so many people over years and centuries have tried coming up with answers to it; practical and easy. But I wonder that amidst this chaos and clash of knowledge and information, we often lose track of reality. Things are painted over and over again in so many different colours, that we even forget the original. Every single day of the week, we give so much false hope to each other, without even knowing a quarter of another's porblem. We give hope because we fear that if hopelessness lasts, it will eventually infect us with depression. Some times we comfort each other for our own survival. Isn't that so? I don't even know why pretension disgusts me so much. Even though I know, that at some point or at some level it is necessary for us. But I just can't help it.

Anyway, I write a lot of nonsensical paragraphs that flow into one another without making any sense at all. Its just a way of unloading my thoughts, that are not even intelligent. Its not like I'm a great philosopher pondering over the mysteries of life, no its not that. Its nothing close to it because what I write has no depth and no meaning. Its simply my own confusion being poured out in different words and ways. I start out with something about myself and end up wrting about the entire human race. Digression. Big Time, I tell you.

Anyway, I was saying that I want to know if my life really will get better. I'm not looking for predictions but something more solid. Like...yes you're life will get better. Its not that bad or horrible as it may seem alot of times, its just that its not the way I want it to be. I'm not even married as yet but I think I'm mature enough to decide what way of life to adopt. There are so many choices that you almost start believing that there really are more straight paths than one. But in reality, there's only one. And one alone, which is simple and without any traces of falsehood. I want to adopt that way of life. But it requires so much strength and energy. I have the willingness without the energy of carrying it through. I don't want to start out with something really religious and then end up being a rebellious cow. Because I fear that. I fear from my own rebellion which is very strong. I don't take things as soon as they are layed before me. My first reaction is to condemn no matter what. I'm not submit-at-my-will type. And if you'd know, Islam means submission. So I'm working hard on taming this trait of mine and want to take it to the level where I accept whatever Islam says. Hopefully, I pray and you pray that I succeed. I feel selfish writing about myself in such great details, as if I'm being paid to write but I'm sorry, this is my blog. So there you are, with a perfectly self-obsessed blog. Written and edited by Me.

Hmmm...

2005-11-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Our goal in life? Just want to write something today. Nah, I'm not a writer, can't ever be. Not possible. Still, I don't understand that do why I even have the urge to write. It shouldn't exist, should it? I mean what's the point of wanting to write when you can't write well? Writing for venting is good but it’s without substance, something coming direct from the heart without first getting filtered by the mind; could be amazingly interesting or could be horribly boring. But in any case, it’s not stable. Emotions disturb writing. They deviate you and often discolor your words. Sentiments always taints the picture adding a spice or two of its own. Therefore I don't consider reading venting\whining to be worthwhile. If you're lucky to catch an audience that's probably only because they're sorry people like yourself. I'd love to be like Hanif Kureshi, while I often get disgusted by his vulgar approach and sick descriptions, I like the fluency of his expression and his ability to mould the language the way he wants to. He is innovative with words, not forming new ones but giving different shades of meaning to the same word. Making the familiar interesting. That’s an incredible gift, in my opinion.

Anyway, I was going through my mind and I realized that I can't be happy when I know that I'm wrong. My guilt factor is too strong to let my live peacefully in sin. Alhamdolilah. But the problem is that almost every enjoyable thing or activity is in one way or another against Islam. Not that Islam means no fun but that the fun of the world today is 90% not jaiz. How to stop oneself from the influence of that forbidden 'other? That's something we need to ponder and focus upon. I'm not talking about boys, thank you, but haram stuff in general. For instance, music is haram. Ahem. A very personal opinion. And I love it. Every time I listen to it, I want to go back to my former self, which used to give me instant gratification but long-term unhappiness. How to overcome my weaknesses in such a way that I eventually consider myself complete without them? That should be an essay question carrying 25 marks. I'm sure this is something that is really going to help us in the world today. Have you ever thought that why do we study so much stuff that we're never going to put to use? I'm sure you must all have, at one point or another. Why do we exert our energies over something that will be learnt and conveniently forgotten after the exam? Are we so shallow that we resort to such meaningless activities? Is maximizing our wealth the only aim? We want to have a sound education because we want to have a good job. And we want to have a good job so that we marry off well and lead our lives relatively better. Is that not right? The ultimate aim is to enjoy a more prosperous life than our parents. That sounds so hollow, so worthless and so lame. Clearly, money is very important. It has such a strong role to play in our lives, no matter where we are and what we do. But don't you think its importance is being overplayed? Exaggerated? Surely, I mean surely we can't be sent to this world to gain profits upon profits? That could not be, because our Allah is not unjust. Not every one in this world has equal opportunity in terms of wealth. Some have better chances of prospering than others. Or, speaking in terms of sociology, have greater life chances. So if this was to be the divine yardstick then they'd be so much chaos and injustice. Our standard is surely something just, something that is available to all. Something that can be done or practiced or consumed every where and by everyone. So I'm sure and definite that it is something wholly and souly non-material; it is faith and it is piety and it is strength and conviction of religion. I'm getting at something, that you must understand, realize and be ready to accept, my dear.

2005-11-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

I'm alive and well and happy, but just don't have any time to spare at the moment. Will post soon insha'Allah. Have so much to write about...

2005-11-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

We're likely to run into Eid the day after tomorrow, insha'Allah. The event will be celebrated with a solemn note because of the 8 th Oct. quake. May Allah give sabr (patience) to the quake victims who have lost their families, Ameen.

I'm completely drenched with school assignments but I'm really looking forward to have some time for fun and relaxation. I need change and a little peace of mind. By the way, we're having a jamat from South Africa on Saturday and everyone is invited to visit. Please do drop by, all who can...

Lots and lots of Eid mubarak to everyone. May Allah bestow His blessings on you and your family.

salams

2005-10-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

If I had the power I would have gladly, and I repeat gladly, killed everything collegeboard. Seriously and honestly. Enough is enough. This time we were in for another wonderful shock; the SAT papers didn't arrive from America. They forgot, I guess. Or something equally dumb. I wouldn't be suprised in any case. How ridiculously lame and how ripping-the-admission-ticket-ly annoying. But true...

I took a day off, skipped my Economics test, went through that wretched 5 inch thick SAT book again, revised every darn technique, gave myself a headache, not once, not twice but several times, got our sociology tests postponed, changed ever darn schedule, for what? For having the privildge of roaming through Avari at 7 in the morning? For walking through their grand halls? For opening that huge, royal woodern door all by myself? For the SAT that always disappoints/annoys/angers/ us? FOR NOTHING!!!

Even though I know that the supervisor has little, if any fault in this SAT fiasco, I somehow want to give her a thick, meaty punch. She seems to enjoy our plight, laughs at us and cracks joke at the most unappropriate of times. Right when everyone was ready to grate through steel, she gave an ear to ear smile saying, 'its not our fault' conveniently followed by ' will you please shut up'.

This SAT is a joke. A prank. A curse. Atleast for us.

2005-10-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty busy. Not the usual kind of business, its the kind that drives you to the edge but pulls you back again because you're required to do one thing or another. Expectations. Endless sea of expectations from you, in all forms possible; relationships and studies. Its hard to strike a balance between the two. I usually ignore both but can't let this continue for long. Have to get serious. Either one would do, though.

I have to give a retest for SAT on Saturday because of some ghuppla with the supervisors in the previous one. I won't go in the details because I've repeated them to a quarter of the world's population already and I just don't have any energy left. I won't say 'I'm sick of everything' because this phrase has lost its true meaning and feeling. We need to come up with better phrases and words. Unique and effective. I'm under immense pressure from so many people; teachers to be precise. Its hard to please them but then its essential. And Only for my own personal good, that is.

I need to improve my eyesight, get in touch with economics, start studying sociology, practise more maths and read more. The strained circumstances that I usually find myself in, have directly effected my reading. I've not been reading newspapers lately and I think I've started to grow indifferent and apathetic to misery in general, which is a straight road to turning into a heartless beast. Something that I'd very much resent. But speaking in terms of achievments, alhamdolilah I have successfully completed 'The Satanic Verses' by Salman Rushdie. I wish I could write a little review on it here but now is not the right time. I'll probably channel all my frustrations in the wrong direction, turning the review into a rotten, biased and unintelligent piece of prose. Must remain objective at all times. Have to keep my subjective views to myself. One thing's sure, though, Salman Rushdie has no shame, no humility and no consideration for anyone. His pen is sharper than a sword, cutting right through people. Words dripping with HCL. Not a quality, in my opinion.

Anyway, I'll be around...

2005-10-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

I think I ought to write something about the earthquake that shattered so many lives. The epicenter of the quake was in north Pakistan, fortunetly Lahore was saved from any major dectruction but the threatening presense was felt and feared.

In the morning of 8 th Oct. 2005, bracing ourselves with everything SAT-scholastic apptitude test- and everything that can humanly be crammed in a months' time, we sat in the examination Hall waiting for the exam to commence. Except for a few random racous noises from one of the instructors, the atmosphere was calm, atleast on the surface. Some were praying fervently, some were looking intently at their desks, some were busy arranging their stationary, some were deeply engrossed in staring at the ceiling, some were playing with their fingers and biting off over-grown nails, some were radiating the im-not-bothered-about-anything-in-the-world attitude, some were dying with anxiety and some were running to have their last pee. But whatever the activity, we all shared the same thought; SAT.

I was fixing the safety pin on my niqab when something started to shake. At first I thought it was the boy behind me, playing with his legs but when I looked up I saw everyone staring at each other, trying to confirm their fears. The ground shook more and we all realised that this was no ordinary earthquake. It was quiet intense. The walls shivered, the floor floated and the calmness evaporated. A storm of horrible thoughts hit me. In those three agonising minutes, I imagined the walls caving in, the roof collapsing and dying under the debris, without doing anything significant in my life. I felt so unprepared and weak.

Maybe it was the contrast that made the earthquake more unexpected than usual. In that huge hall with strong walls and large domes, with men in classy suits, polished shoes and ties swinging with an air of urgency and business, with microphones and a well organized stage, with a wall clock and properly arranged desks, with precision and infallibility, the concept of an earthquake wrecking up this complete and idyllic world seemed so alien.

But it did hit, jolted us back to life, yanked us out from oblivion and set us right in the middle of reality. No matter how safe we think we are, no matter how many layers of protection we weave around ourselves, no matter how much we pretend to be in control of everything, we're still vulnerable and helpess infront of nature. Allah asserts his supremecy and Will from time to time.

Besides coping with the massive destruction, some people are asking...

Why was it Muzaffarabad? Why Balakot? Why Mansehra? Why the harmless villages? Why Kashmir? Why those poor, innocent people of the mountains? Why not us? Why not Lahore? Why not Karachi? Why not Farieha Altaf...

And I've been thinking about it for a week now. The only thing that seems to make any sense in this chaos is the consolation that the tens of thousands of people who died, are shaheed. They died in a state of fast, they're successful, they got their ultimate goal; jannat. But this is a test for us. For the people who'v been left behind to face the tragedy and come to terms with it. We've been warned. We've been shaken out of our safe lives where we sin and still have the audacity to feel proud about it, where we lose humanity and then try to justify it.

In blaming the weak infrastructure, the government, the haram-khore contractors, the terrain of the area etc. we're missing the point. Allah didn't send an earthquake so that we spend our evenings blaming everyone for every class of problem, over a warm cup of tea. And yes I believe that earthquakes are a form of adhaab sent by Allah and that they're occurance is not merely a coincidence. Ofcourse we have a scientific explanation for them but that is only because Allah doesn't do anything without 'sabab'. Science explains the causes but not the question that why did it happen in the first place. Why was it Kashmir, precisely and not the Galliyat, for instance? Why was it only one building in Islamabad and not more? Why did that 70 plus, Mah bibi survived when 17 year old Zohair Iqbal died? Its the selection of few and the evident use of choice that implies that there is some force controlling this. There is someone who decides and plans. There is someone who creates and crashes, who saves one, yet buries another. And that force is Allah. We are not to question His actions because we do not have the hikmet to understand the reason behind them. We can only submit to His commands and learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. We can ask for forgiveness and try harder than before.

2005-10-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

Working, working and working. Thats all I've been doing. I've been busy, contrary to my normal sluggishness. I've hardly been online. I've been preparing for stuff; situations, exam, confrontations, ramadhan, praying among alot of other things. Being busy is not so bad after all, you simply don't get the time to ponder over the less obvious and minute details of life. You go along the wave and don't bother to rip everything to shreds. I think its similar to being drugged, speaking in terms of the effect. Although, I haven't taken any drugs but I assume the effect to be somewhat like this, distant, nonchalant and generally floating. Oh whatever. I'm busy and I'm liking it.

I made so many resolves in the past couple of months that I've almost lost count but I'm just hoping that I follow through them. One was about NOT backbiting. Oh that one's the HARDEST! You resist and keep your mouth sealed for the entire day but then suddenly you get an overwhelming desire to critisize someone, blame someone or just simply gossip . Its hard to resist bhai. Very hard.

Also I want to read Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler. I've been meaning to read it for quite some time now but can't seem to find it anywhere! Hopefully soon insha'Allah. World War II fascinates me. I'm obsessed with it, I can read any literature available on it. Simply everything. I don't know why World War II, in particular interests me but it was probably after I read Anne Frank-the diary of a young girl and later to follow it, The hidden life of Otto Frank. I instantly loved Anne frank; the remarkable sense of humour that she maintains even when surrounded by war and so much tragedy is exceptional. Her ability to survive everything with a smile on the face or atleast the effort of making one is truly amazing.

On the other hand, The hidden life of Otto Frank, took its own sweet time to make its place. It was more mature and detailed, though also peppered with superfluous events that made it a bit boring in the begining. I think the author was making her ground before launching the story in full swing. Its not one of those books that you can start from the middle and expect them to make sense. Although this one doesn't make sense until you're deep into it but nevertheless its worth reading.

Until that book was published nobody knew for sure who had betrayed the Frank family. There were some clues, names and links but they all lead to a dead end. Nothing definate. An investigation in the case took place in early 1950s but that was closed down too, in the 60s as they couldn't come up with any solid evidence against anyone. Then came Anne Lee, the author of the book. She wasn't convinced with what was presented to her and decided to take the matter in her own hands. Her primary area of focus was Otto Frank but with the Franks the topic if betrayal is almost inevitable.

Anne did extensive investigation on her own, excavating dark facts and previously unpublished interviews that lead her to the answer and ultimately pointed at only one man. In the closing chapters of the book she brings up the name of her prime suspect backed with reasons and evidence. Now the interesting part, after the book was published, the late suspect's son came forward and wrote to her, assuring that it wasn't probably his father but it was him for sure. The end was truly marvellous but the most amazing thing about the book is that while reading it you're very aware of its reality, that all of this actually happened to people like us. All the grotesqueness and horrible destruction did not occur in the Dark Ages of Europe but just a mere 60 years ago in the so-called developed continent of Europe. How ironic...

I've only watched two movies, The Pianist and Schindler's List based on World War II and both of them were very successful in capturing the actual spirit of the war...well atleast I think they did!

Anyway, coming back to the point I'm interested in Mein Kampf because Hitler intrigues me. I'm curious to know how his mind functioned, his experiences and the way they shaped his ideas, beliefs and actions. Surely there must be something that propelled him to commit such atrocious crimes. It'd be very interesting, I assume, to read through the mind of a murderer who killed six million jews. Six million human beings. Six million people who lived and dreamed just like you and me. How could anyone justify something as terrible as killing people just because we believe them to follow an inferior religion? It isn't only about Jews, the same goes for all; Muslims, Christians, Hindus and Buddhists etc.

I spent an entire month, last year reading through a Holocaust website. It contained alot of pictures and interviews of the survivors and there was one that I distinctly remember. There was a woman around the age of 45-50 who had been experimented upon by German doctors in the camps and she said that, 'Bergen-Belsan-a concentration camp in Germany- was hell on earth, hell on earth, hell on earth.' The way she said it had such a haunting effect to it; with so much pain, agony and anger, someone who's actually been through hell and back. I wish I get a chance to talk to a Jewish Holocaust survivor. Insha'Allah I hope that comes soon because they they must be quiet old now and I want to catch them before they become...err extinct.

OK. This is completely unrelated to what I'm saying but I was reading through my blog and was slightly shaken by the fact that I come out as a very depressed person or atleast someone who's seen much bitterness in life. And that is not true. I'm not trying to re-potray myself but I think I've been hyperbolic in my writings. I use strong words that catch my fancy but sometimes change the outlook. I've got to be more precise and to-the-point. Admittedly, I've had my phases of meaningless sadness but that is all short-lived. Coming in torrents and then leaving me calm. Everything is essentially evanescent in life so I've got to get used to it, eh? Just need to change the focus.

My blog's break is not over yet and so this is not a post.

2005-09-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going on a break. Will be back later.

Have a sunny day, sallams.

2005-09-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

Argh! I hate to toil away for hours studying, reading bits of disjointed information that some great big thinker conveniently created for us. If a common man was to read it in one go, it wouldn't even make sense! When will I ever need to use 70% of the sociology I study? I don't think this will be of any use in raising my kids. Don't gape at me like that, everything boils down to marriage and raising your little ones. Its completely natural. Although, admittedly sociology is interesting but not all of it. Infact most of it is drab and colourless.

OK. This isn't about sociology. I shouldn't disgrace the subject with my biased view just because I couldn't finish the assignment in time and now I have to slave on it, which will probably keep me awake till late night. What an eXciting thing to look forward to...

I believe in educating 'myself'. The elementary school is important, without doubt, but at this level, honestly I find newspapers more educational and beneficial. I'm a huge fan of newspapers and I recommend them to anyone who wants an authentic slice of...entertainment. Newspapers cover an endless sea of topics, writing about almost everything under the sun but most importantly its the gripping content that saves them from drowning in dullness. I think the key is in the way they write and present everything, fabricating yet maintaining veracity. Newspapers make you feel like a part of the world, albeit only a mere spectator being tossed about by events but still someone significant, someone worth serving news, someone royal...and I guess I've gone a bit too far in praising.

I know this interest of mine, in reading bland newspapers is uncommon with people of my age, who gladly communicate their dislike for them and even go as far as calling them the epitome of boredom. People want instant gratification and answers, with their lives already spinning out of control, they take respite in reading idyllic books which seem to offer solutions to life or atleast conclude with a pleasant note. Unfortunetly, sizzling romance is one topic newspapers don't quiet cover...

I told you I'm passionate about newspapers...

I would like to be a journalist one day, weaving facts with style and eloquence, but thats a far-fetched dream for which again, I'm required to study. So we're back to sqaure one. Nothing in this world seems to work for you unless you're educated. But what education? How can you define education? You don't necessarily have to go to a top-notch university or an elitest school to be educated, infact you don't even have to go to a university. Its just an approach to life, a way of thinking and delivering your ideas effectively that counts. Atleast thats what I think.

Don't ask me why I don't quit studies then. I guess I'm following, just like everyone else.

2005-09-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

Babies and Gentlemen, Ramadhan's approaching, just a few days drive away. Something about it is giving me shades of happiness. Maybe its the colourful idea of being dramatically more practising for a month or simply the thought of some significant change coming my way. I don't know and as long as I'm suffusing gaiety, I don't even care:)

Take care everyone.

Ramadhan Mubarak in advance.

2005-09-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

These days, inspite of drowning in work and everything SAT I still get plenty of time to think and wonder. That is probably because I have mastered the art of multi-tasking and leaving things half-done. I'm a sickly lazy person with no motivation whatsoever for anything significant. Not that I don't have a life, mind you, but just lacking in enthusism, I guess.

Every day I come across people whos lives are lived for the sole purpose of finding a suitable boyfriend or getting straight A's or getting into a medical/engineering college or an art school, etc. Their faces shadowing determination and will to achieve, eyes glinting with anticipation and full of vigour. Their expression suggesting only one thing; conviction. These people, with their directions set straight are following their paths fearlessly. They emanate such unflagging energy that sometimes makes me envious. They're beaming with self-confidence and basking in the assurance of a respectable livelihood. While I stand on the sidelines, eyeing them, enving them and sometimes disgusted by them, silently hoping.

I'm not trying to renounce the attainment of any of the above. I'm only trying to compare and analyze my situation and see where I stand.

Now what do I have?

I will, due to obvious reasons not end up in a medical/engineering college, I am not likely to cling to a boyfriend for any support whatsoever and I will never get straight A's. That's a promise! I'm not being a bitter pessimist here, I'm only voicing reality. The only thing that I have is the strengh I draw from practising my religion. Would that be enough to help me sail through life? Would it protect me from all the harshness that comes with living? Would it give me the peace I seek? Would it provide me everything that I will ever need?

Hopefully it will because my life depends on it :)

2005-09-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it a tad hard to write about personal experiences and stuff without crossing into extremely personal. You can't really limit your writing but if you do that it loses its 'truthful streak' or essence or whatever.

I'm sitting here glumly, trying to word out my thoughts. I would love to have long, intimate conversations with people in real life but I feel totally inadequate and inept. How can writing ever compensate for that, han? It can't. It just can't. Words don't come out as effectively as they're supposed to. You try to accentuate a concept, a dilemma, a thought and despite all your efforts it falls down flat; dead and bland. And besides, writing is such a long and trecherous process. Wouldn't it be better if we could just talk and pour everything out?

Sometimes life strikes me as rather gloomy. This thought makes its appearance only when I'm procrastinating like a lazy toad, delaying work and anything urgent. An idle mind wanders off and ends up with nothing but more confusion. For days and days, under the full moon of high expectation you wait for something to happen. Something that blows life into your soul and makes your existence worthwhile. Then one day, everything goes wild and berserk. Your hopes get crushed somewhere in the middle. You just stand silently, crying inside, wondering why couldn't things work out for you? Why is there always so much pain and hurt to bear before all achievements?

There are little things in life that mean the world to me but often when I find myself desperately failing in achieving them, it breaks me down. I don't need sympathy or encouraging words, I just want to get there now. Fast.

There are a multitude of truths that can't be said because they lead to uneasy thoughts but this one's been suffocating for far too long, it needs fresh air.

2005-09-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

My cousin thinks I'm revealing too much of myself on the blog. Is that true? Fortunetly yes, for once. Ofcourse I do realise when I say personal stuff about myself which no one, other than a few close friends should know. But sometimes opening up to complete strangers is not a bad idea. I like the feeling of being transparent somewhere, to let people see, understand and assume things about me based on who I am, in reality.

I've got to stop pretending to be cheerfully happy all the time. It took me ages to realise that its no matter of shame to publicly accept that you have your ups and downs, highs and lows. To feel sad, hollow or just depressed once in a while is not a sign of abnormality! I should be able to accept it as part of myself. You can't run the world the way you want, you're bound to be sad/angry at one point or another. It happens and its better if we accept it and let it roll over to the other side. I mean even if you're basking in the sweetness of a recent event or gesture, the thought of your grave is bound to make you sad. You can't escape sadness but you can choose the way you want to deal with it. I thought the best way was to mask it. A thoroughly rotten approach, I tell you. If you keep concealing your sadness, you'd end up completely screening all your emotions, which shuts you down and alieniates you from the rest of the human race. So after experiecning alot of the above, I think if you can unwrap yourself, emotionally speaking, do it. Its relieving, way better than bottling all that hurt and sorrow inside because eventually it turns into this disgusting mass that eats you up.

I'm going to write it all out. Right here...

2005-09-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've just finished reading a book called ' The black Album' by Hanif Kureshi. The author has traces of pervertism-if thats a word- but he writes interesting stuff. His basic theme is adultery or pre-marital sex around which he weaves an absorbing story. But his novels are based on the lives of very ordinary people, their fears, desires, hopes, ideas etc. and thats the bit that makes his stories relatable. Also he is a very, very honest writer, sometimes making reality a bit too bitter.

In this book, he writes about a twenty something guy, who has recently left his house and dysfunctional family to study at some college in London. The guy is born n bred in Britain but is ethnically a Pakistani, is dark-skinned and faces racism almost every day. He has horde of experiences and stories to tell, has been through an unhappy childhood and hence is comitted to writing, literature and art. He feels isolated and dejected by the society and in an attempt to fit in, tries all sorts of ways, goes against all social, moral and religious conventions and is generally rebellious. He goes through a multitude of phases, most of which are self-created and at one point completely changes himself. From a mild, harmless teenager he changes into this angry, ready to stomp the world person who's circling in that round of despair where you don't care a bit what happens to you or anyone else. Instead of protesting against racism, he embraces it, just to have the priviledge of degrading people. He can't be accepted in a society that discriminates on the basis of skin colour and that leads to more frustration. Although, I cannot relate with him in this aspect, I've never felt as pathetically confused as he did, nor have I lived in a country where I'll always be someone from somewhere else. But I've always felt like a misfit. And I feel like adding up some synonyms here so I'll say nervous, self-conscious and vulnerable too.

Although gladly, racism is not the main topic, its mentioned only as a social issue, something which he faces everyday but has also become a part of his living. Its his efforts to achieve peace, satisfaction, recognition and contentment that makes his character relatable.

Ok, I'm not stupid enough to spill the entire story, I'll just say that he ended up worse off than he was before.

Khyr, what I found disturbing about him was that he had used religion as a refuge, as a means of escaping from the reality. Just when things got out of hand and too hard to bear, he thought religion would save his drowning life. Alot of people think that if everything goes down the drain for them, they will still have their religion to fall back on. And just by doing a few prayers here and there, they can make it to heaven. They think of it as something that is sacred and pure but cannot be implied in their own lives. That completely negates the idea of Islam. It is not something to be cast aside or hidden away, but a way of leading your life. It doesn't preach isolation from the people, but something that is to be practised while being a part of the society, something that is very much alive and real.
As its said:

Our religion isn't something you can test out, like trying on a suit to see if it fits. You have to buy the whole outfit!

Phew, I'm done. And please don't disagree with me because I don't have the energy to fight.

P.S: Actually this entry was supposed to be about me, but somehow it drifted from the topic. I've filled the air with my thoughts....inhale.

2005-09-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

Not to be able to write something worthwhile is depressing. I want to believe that I'm going through a writers block but thats not applicable because I'm not a writer and neither am I aspiring to be one. I realised my inability at producing anything lucid and sensible, a long time ago. If something like writing doesn't come naturally to you, don't push it. Leave it and it might develop with experience but don't burn yourself trying to improve. And besides how can one improve a non-existent skill? I'm glad I was quick to realise that or otherwise I would've been churning out mindless philosophies filled with dictionary-copied difficult words, hoping to make a name for myself.

I want to read newspapers, loads of them. Truck full of newspapers from all over the world, ofcourse only in English.

I want to print a nice article for someone but a) I don't have any article in mind and b) for whom to print? So few people cherish printed sheets of...text.

I want to eat peaches. But not alot because then I'll have to write another blog post on how badly my stomach reacted to it.

I want to sleep for long hours, waking up to find winters. I hate summers. I can sacrifice my peaches and other fruits for winters. People who think fruits compensate for the heat we have to bear in summers shouldn't be allowed to speak. Thats plain nonsense.

I want to read something mundane.

I want to use alot of cliches.

I want to own thick, bushy eyebrows that sway with the wind and cool off my forehead sweat.

I also want to own an air-conditioned abaya that gives out extra-chilly winds all day and doesn't have an outlet.

I want to learn Adobe, because yesterday I decided thats going to be my next passion.

I want to make another blog template for myself, but presently I'm feeling inadequate, lol. I love this word.

I want to make a phone call, a really long one, after which I feel amazingly fresh and chirpy.

And I really want to end this post now.

2005-09-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are going to be better now. Alot better. After, what seems like years, we'll finally be able to have the entire day just for ourselves, without any distasteful sociology interruptions in the morning. The teacher couldn't hack the pressure of 13 girls protesting against this horrible regime of having classes on Saturday, day after day and finally gave in. The reality will take time to sink in but I'm sure once it does, I'll be ecstatic.

In other news, our school's Headmistress didn't agree to the idea of including recitation of the Holy Quran during the assembly. I think its her own rotten attempt at being liberal. She probably thinks its all part of the broad-minded curriculam but her imitation just crossed from unpleasant to disgusting. I mean this is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and we're not even allowed to recite Quran for two minutes. We're all mentally enslaved to such an extent that we give preferance to some random, trashy, philosophy book over the greatest book on earth. We give preferance to planting more trees than to reading Quran. We give preferance to joining some NGO for womens rights over our Holy Book. We think its better if we just don't read it at all because we need more community work than idle reading and lecturing. We don't want the almost non-existent non-muslims in our school to feel marginalised because apparently, they'll be strongly offended if we, Muslims read our book for just two minutes in the assembley. God the logic is killing me! Its so wonderfully crafted that I don't know how can I ever find the ability to challenege it.

That was our Muslim Headmistress with a Muslim name, living in a Muslim state. We're Muslims but that part of our existence should be thrown off in the background. We're Muslims but just not only in appearance, ideas and actions.

2005-08-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

There's alot of falling-in to do right now after the unfortunate blog post incident. So many relationships to fix, so many twisted riddles to solve, so many emotions to be worded out, so many grudges to be washed and most importanly so many apologies to be made.

The air is thick with misunderstanding, dissappointments and misinterpretation. But gladly, atleast its in the air now, open to everyone.

Occasional friction with friends is part of the package and natural I guess, making one more aware, conscious and careful. Clearly, I don't want to be too negative. I don't regret writing what I wrote. I'm glad that I came to know the truth. I'm glad that it turned out differently. I'm glad that someone came forward to clear something. I'm glad that it happened. But the downside is that a very dear friend got hurt in the process. Its painful to realise this but whats more aching is that how can one apologise for something that hurt so deeply?

I know it was sharp, probably too judgemental and too tacklessly written. I never intended to hurt you and none of it was written with you in mind. If I had problems with you, I would come and talk them over instead of writing all that on a public blog! Err...which is exactly what I'm doing now but don't worry no strangers come here, anyway! I'm just so sorry for hurting you.

And Z, I won't intentionally be casuing her grief (lol) in any way and neither will I be taking over her so don't worry and don't feel threatened.

Jazakallah for being there. Luve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

2005-08-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

There is so much social change going on in here. I can hardly bear it. I don't care if this can be categorised as social change but it is a huge change by all standards. Slowly and steadily, people are accepting it. And what exactly am I talking about?

The girlfriend/boyfriend culture.

Now you see more people having pre-marital affairs than say, 25 years ago. Now you see more parents approving of these relationships. Now you see more ugly girls getting married to handsome boys and vice versa. Now you see more unmarried/unengaged-girl-boy eating out together, strengthening their friendship. Friendship leads to love (though not always, sometimes it leads to disaster but mostly between the opp. sex, yes) and love leads to marriage and marriage leads to kids or divorce. A truly happy ending isn't it.

But, islamically speaking this is all wrong. Completely forbidden. It comes down as a hard fact but thats the way it is. No maulvis are twisting anything, no mullahs are dishing out their own narrow-minded fatwas here, nobody's changing the rule. Often we accept parts of religion that suit us or go according to our tastes, leaving the rest for God knows who to follow and then accusing the maulvis for making islam so difficult. I agree that sometimes the masjid imams or other people who are assumed to be knowledgable about Islam use it for their own advantage too, but thats not always the case. Sometimes the rule as it is, is hard to follow and hence more rewarding.

2005-08-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you're doing the most mundane of things, like trying to squeeze toothpaste out of the tube or rubbing your thumb against a desk or simply looking intently at your finders, when something suddenly clicks and everything becomes clear. The world gets together and starts to make sense. Whatever the thought is, hits you and shakes you out of your own narrow, limited view. It comes as a spray of fresh water that gives you a new start, washes your blended vision, helps you cross the surface, beneath where, everything is crystal clear. Sometimes all we need is a fresh start to fix our problems.

I've heard of this instant surge of sanity crossing through our bodies but never quiet experienced it. It must be....enlightening.

2005-08-21T03:45:00.000-07:00

For some odd reason, I don't feel like whining here anymore. This doesn't mean that I've stopped whining altogether but that I've found other ways. Plus, I think there comes a time in every blogger's life (lol, sorry im making this too serious) when he/she realises that a public blog is after all, public; open to judgement and assumptions. In a way, it limits your written thoughts. Please agree with me.

There are certain things that need to be discussed.

I'm not a very experienced person when it comes to friendship, and the fact that I had a disastrous fight just a few months back with people I could never dream fighting, explains it well.

But still I've realised that...

People don't care about other peoples feelings. They trample over them, crush them to bits, leave without feeling an ounce of remorse but what's worse is that they try to justify their actions. They give ridiculous explanations laced with selfish and egotistic phrases. Such discussions are a real eye-opener and almost always very shocking. Yes, I'm trying to make a point here.

The myriad of people I've come across are amusing and interesting, warm and kind, caring and loving but then I can never be sure that the moment I leave them, they wouldn't discuss ways of getting rid of me. Why should they be any different to me? If they're capable of bad mouthing anyone, no matter how sweet or warm-hearted he/she is, why would they not belittle me while Im gone? Hypocrisy is so deeply rooted in their minds, that they have to fight to overcome it.

There are rules, I've heard. Etiquettes for befriending people. If you want to enter a circle of friends and make space for yourself, the first step is not to enter voluntarily. Make it seem to have happened by chance. Do not just walk into a group and pretend to be a part of it, even if you do find their attitudes somewhat welcoming. Thats just a game. Never forget that our world is full of pretentious people, like you and me. We all want others to believe that we are polite people. They're probably only trying to tell you to stop bugging them whilst maintaining their sweet mannerism. Don't seem too eager and be intelligent enough to take hints, even those cleverly disguised as jokes.

Most people think that just by cracking a few jokes here and there, they can slip in. Entering a group is not a piece of cake, you have to work hard on it.

Don't get decieved by ear-to ear smiles, they melt just as soon as you turn your head. You must be humble enough to accept that you're not always welcome. There are certain people in all groups, who are fiercely possesive about their friends. Their blood boils at the sight of a new comer fleeing away with one of their friends. That is the greatest sin one can commit in social life.

Its generally assumed that older friends have a greater right. But friendship is not directly related to time.

If you think people have started to accept you as part of their group, still don't take advantage. Never prolong your stay. But incase you catch a flying hint or a degrading remark about being a parasite...

Just flee.

Don't take part in any of their outside school plans unless you're asked, not once but many times. If you're asked once that means you're asked only for the sake of courtesy. Don't tell yourself not to be so negative all the time. There are reasons why we feel the need to be positive. Its when we are afraid to have our fears confirmed. Sometimes we stay positive because the reality is much too bitter. So do not look at the positive side, like all fools and eagerly accept the invitation. Think, give time to yourself. Go over all the possible meanings and read between the lines. Carefully note the exact words, tone, muffled sounds and general expression following the invitation.

If you feel that you're getting close with one of the group members, stop for a while.
Breath in and out. Try to foresee the consequnces if the friendship develops further. Put yourself in other peoples shoes and try to understand their fear of being abandoned or left. Don't stay there for too long because they'll be matters needing your attention in your shoes too.

Always remember to keep your ears open. Listen attentively and be modest. Be open, honest and don't backbite. Don't give out a big hearty laughter when someone's being rebuked, no matter how funny the situtaion is.

Be close but don't think that just because you're friends, you need to give out all your secrets as well. Confide in Allah and you'll never regret.

Backbiting

2005-08-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

Do now throw off comments left, right and center. Sometimes the slightly caustict remarks from the least important people hurt the most.

Just kill them if you hate them so much, but do not-eth speak-eth ill. Alot of people would disagree with this approach but there's nothing that can be done about a disagreement. It just stays there and eventually dies a natural death. So be patient and wait for that time.

2005-08-14T03:59:00.000-07:00

Today's 14 th of August, two thousand and five. Pakistan's birthday. Consequently, I'm experiencing bouts of patriotism...bless me.

2005-08-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'm starting school in exactly one day. How tragic...Oh yes, I have some bad news for...well just myself. According to a very authentic source, our school timetable will not change during our second year of A levels. Horrified? I would have loved to tell you that the news ends here but no the tragedy continues...

We will continue to have our extra sociology class on Thursdays and Saturdays. Dead? I am, in any case.

Saturday is the only day, out of the whole week that I look forward to, because we have a holiday the next day and thus another chance to put off work. But no, people like me who find happiness in little things like putting off work, have no right to be happy. Seriously, all whining aside, it really is torture to get up so early only to study a subject that most people cannot even pronounce correctly. Just for information, sociology is pronounced as:

'So co ology' or 'So so ology' and not as 'So sho ology' or 'So shio ology'. The pronunciation is same for both, American and british accents.

It leaves a sick after-effect and ruins my entire day. But the fact that I can whine here openly, greatly relieves me.

By the way I think I really need to cut down on my habit of reading everything and anything. Reading distracts me to such an extent that I'll conveniently leave my homework or bunk classes for it. And the sweet truth is that it has hardly ever helped me. My mind is quick to learn new facts but it loses them just as quickly so I dont feel like a very well read person. Its like my brain has minute holes all over it which leak information and try to keep it as empty as possible. So the bottom line is, I'm only allowed to read the daily newspaper and a few odd books. That is a self-imposed restriction.

On a completely unrelated note, a few hours ago, we had some rishta wallas for my sister. Just for the record my sister is officially engaged but because my mum suspects her to-be mother-in-law to be a witch and a half, she is trying to have some back-up plan in case some unfortunate incident occurs, for instance, the engagement breaks off. So coming back to the story, we had two ladies, a mother and a daughter at our place. Its relevent to mention that I get extremely nervous, self-conscious and generally ugly whenever we have such sort of guests. Although I've never been the object of their inspection, but its still hard. Anyway, I was trying to make small talk with the daughter which was failing desperately. After every fine minutes we were staring at each other with this overwhelming desire to talk but with no words forming in the mouth. There are no fixed rules for carrying out conversations with the rishta wallas, you can never be sure about what to say and what to keep to yourself. Most people say 'just be yourself' but if people start being themselves I don't think they'll ever get married. You have to potray yourself as an eligible, elegant, cool, down-to-earth person even if you're not. Even if you are no where near to being the the princess you're trying to be. Its hypocrisy, true but who doesn't want to get married! There's always an air of artificiallity and fakeness. You try to hide the dark side of your personality and boost the few, odd talents. Sometimes you can't even believe your own words, twisted and turned in ways that appeal even to yourself! And for a second, you start to envy yourself for being such a great person. But this illusion is short lived because...you're not!

Anyway coming back, the daughter was this fashionable girl with a stylish hair cut, silver wrist-watch and fluttering hands. My sister made her attempt at striking up a conversation and asked her about her subjects for A levels, which is the standard question asked in moments of extreme awkwardness. The buzzword English literature caught my attention and I immedietly became aware, silently thinking, that this is one subject I can boast about without having to deal with the ugly details, such as grades etc. I asked her about her course books and she gave out a few names like Chaucer and Macbeth. It wasn't turning out the way I had wanted it to, I wasn't getting any opportunity to put myself in the limelight so I rattled off a few names which I had heard from my cousin. She blinked with a note of familiarity and nodded. I then quickly added:

'English literauture is so boring and tough. How does one decipher the crap Shakespeare and Naguge's author (I so hated my memory then, I couldn't remember the name) write?'

As soon as I said that, her all-smiles face melted into an all frown one. Her eyes betrayed the rage she was hiding. She said, no its not difficult and tough, infact its a wonderful subject and I love it. The under-lying sentence was:

'And you better keep your gob shut when you don't know anything about the subject!!'

I didn't see this coming. I had only said that in hopes of trying to get her started on natural whining. Actually, I wanted her to bellow and complain like all normals kids. But she wasn't getting my drift. And this last sentence, almost fell like a bomb shell on me:
'Actually I had a distinction in English Literature in my A levels'.

God and I was thinking of boasting about a subject that wasn't even mine!

The conversation then flowed in an entirely opposite direction, she said that she was supposed to study at Stanford University and had even scored a scholarship but when the time came her parents didn't let her, as with all the parents. Presently, she's at Beaconhouse National University (BNU), doing a degree in Liberal Arts. How sad...but she sure got her message across that she's way better than me, in every way.

Eventually she left and I heaved a sigh of relif and self pity. She didn't even let me boast properly...

2005-08-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry people, I've been unable to provide non-stop entertainment. That is so because my stomach refuses to co-operate. It has not only left its only function of digesting food but doesn't even allow anything inside. Last night I threw up thrice. Just imagine...

Standing on the sink at 3:45 am with untied, messy hair and a sick taste in the mouth I felt so unsophisticated and...pregnant. Is that how pregnant women feel during the first 3 months? The only sane thought to cross my mind during the whole time. And yes that was a rhetorical question.

This is a far-fetched dream but one day, I will kill nausea.

The other day I was wondering about what I want to be and how I would like to end up. And just so you know, I hardly ever give a thought to my future because it doesn't seem so glamourous and kinda makes me sad. I've never had a burning desire to BE something. Just some degree in some college would do as long as I enjoy what I'm doing. My real interest is in bubble writing but after realising that it doesn't even fit in a decent category of 'hobbies' I stopped pursuing it. Why don't we have a special degree teaching different types of 'writing styles'? I know its an absolutely useless degree but then its also a wonderful way of wasting time.

Anyway, we're all being abused by the universe but I am more because I have a bad stomach and a mind that cannot think straight and has fantasies of killing nausea. No wonder I'm thinking about my future. What a life.

2 decades.

2005-08-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Aisha! May you live a long, happy, imanful life.

Brown saucages.

2005-08-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

Can anyone believe its August 2005 already? I mean August 2004 can't be a year away! I can remember it so clearly. The worst month of the worst year. I have quit whining otherwise I woulda filled this page with some rotten ole' words dripping with frustration. But thats all history now and let us not dig our dark past on a public blog, aight.

I'm enjoying my summer holidays fairly well. They're somehow more bearable than all the previous ones. Although this time I didn't get to read any new books, but I'm still happy. I re-read quiet a few and I think the experience was enlightening enough for me. All I want now is to walk through a huge palace filled with books collected from all corners of the world, covering all topics under the sun and spend days reading them. I'm craving for books. I tried to quench it by reading every single page of our daily newspaper but thats not enough. Admittedly, newspapers make a good read but you always end up getting angry at one thing or other. Either its the injustice or the the undue attention to the West. I'm not biased but I think its high time news on London bombings stop making headlines. The issues in Iraq, casualties etc. have taken a place on the eleventh page of the newspaper!! We have had enough with the 56 people killed in the London undergroud Tube stations. I'm not, in any way trying to undermine the importance of human life but only angry at the unfairness of the press. Why should these 56 people be any more important than the hundred others who die every day in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya and Kashmir? We mourn the death of those killed in suicide bombings of London and we feel sympathy for their respective families. But our hearts also go out for 1.6 million Muslims of Britain that are facing an anti-Muslim backlash and increased racial discrimination following the unfortunate event. We question the death of the 27-year old Brazilian electrician who was mistaken for a terrorist. He was only running to catch the bus, not to undo a bomb! We also question the eight shots (7 in the head and one in the shoulder) that went through his body. Supposedly, even if he was a terrorist, does it take eight gun shots to kill a person? Eight shots only on the crime of acting 'suspiciously'. Britain is sure making a head-way in justice. And oh, the country was considered a safe haven by many, they're probably having their doubts now.

So my post got a little political but so what? I mean I know this topic is everywhere, right, left and center. And alot of us have come to the point where we hardly care about others but its still is important.

But I'll end it here. For your sake.

Well I could say that I have progressed in my driving. I can drive without people staring down at me as if they're seeing some cockroach driving a car! Its a weird feeling, really. I can successfully slow the car at speed breakers and then resume the speed again without letting the car die down. I can do all these while driving, move around the road, look at the rear mirror, shift gears and occasionally glance at the houses whizzing by. I have the priviledge of saying:

"I'll drive to your house"

OK. I'm a person who tries to find happiness in small things. So don't think I'm a loser.
Please, if any one of you, have any information on this book 'Roses from the earth' by Ann Lee, let me know.

Anyway, I have to go now. I'm sorry to have bored you with my political rants but I couldn't simply write them on my private blog. Politics is to be heard - Van de Grant.

P.S: Its high time people realise that Great Britain is no more great!

2005-07-30T01:03:00.000-07:00

So I start back at school in like two weeks. This time is always very hard for me, no matter how old I get or no matter how mature I think I am. Just the prospect of it fills me with this ineffable dread and anxiety. Its like being pushed into a gas chamber. Ok, not really that but something along those lines. And I'm supposed to be a mature, wise, calm, eighteen year old....lady. I thought I would be able to shake off this childish fear by now! But obviously no, I haven't. During the school days I'm pretty successful in keeping my hatred for schools and formal education system at bay. But in holidays with nothing to do, all the laziness, sleepless nights, power fluctuation, floods, unbearable heat, moths, frogs and tadpoles etc i just can't humanly stop myself from harbouring my....'disapproval'. So it grows by the minute. Waking up early, meeting so many people in a single day, dealing with bench (and not common room because I'm hardly ever there) politics drives me to attempted suicide. The fact that I go through this twice every year, would be relevant and I'm hoping this time again I forget about it just as quickly as it started. If only I could just forget school and be an intelligent illiterate all my life...

School Survival

Nobel Prize Winners Hate School

I Really Hate School

Another blogger.

2005-07-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

For keeping up a promise that I had with my younger brother, I'm posting his URL here.

www.saadasad.blogspot.com

Do bless him with your presence. He craves it.

2005-07-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Some are going through blue optimism, some are content with their lives, some are delirious with happiness, some are apprehensive about their future, some are haunted by the past, some are tending their wounded hearts, some are worried about the world and some just want to get married quick. Surely, I'm surrounded by a myriad of people who amuse me and annoy me but most importantly they give me strength. I'm glad they're there...

Tonight I will sleep in peace.

2005-07-27T04:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in quiet some time mainly because I didn't have anything to write about. For how long can I just talk about my daily routine and make it sound interesting! It gets boring, I know, I admit that. Anyway, I've been surfing ALOT and I found this interesting article on Niqabis. Read on...

Here are a few FAQs concerning Niqaab and Niqaabis

What is a Niqab? Where does it originate?

The Niqab is simply a veil that covers the wearer's face, normally leaving the eyes exposed. The ones we are talking about here are opaque and are not fashion statements! Its origins are lost in the mists of time, but it's usage grew more widespread with the expansion of Islam in the 15^th and 16^th Centuries.

Is veiling only to do with Islam?

We know that some Greek women and especially virtuous Roman women veiled their faces in public. And the same is true of the Persian Empire. So veiling as such pre-dates Islam as a form of modest concealment. But, in the three examples I have mentioned, the use of the veil was social and cultural, and had little or no religious significance.

What do you mean by the term 'Niqaabi'?

Niqaabi is just a slang term, like Hijaabi - one who wears Hijab. Or in this case, one who wears Niqab. More generally, it includes all sisters who cover their faces in public: some fully, some leaving the eyes exposed.

Are women that cover their faces different than the women that only cover their hair and not their faces?

I hope not! It is merely that our interpretation of Holy Writ differs from Sisters who do not veil themselves as we do.

Aren't we simply talking about clothing here?

Yes and No. Of course we dress differently to our sisters who do not veil their faces. But the main difference comes from the way we interpret the relevant passages from the Holy Qur'an and from Hadith. We view it as our duty to hide out faces; not for social or cultural reasons, but because it is what we believe we are told to do in the Holy Qur'an. Other sisters interpret the relevant passages from Holy Writ differently to us, so their 'clothing' will be different to that of a Niqaabi.

Is 'Hijab of the Eyes' something just done by Niqaabi and why?

Keeping one's gaze lowered is an instruction to be found in the Holy Qur'an. (Surah al Nur. 24:31) The previous verse also calls on men to do the same................... It is something that many (hopefully all) Niqaabis do but, from personal experience, it is a hard discipline to master.

I'm interested in the psyche of the one that wears the niqaab as opposed to the one that chooses not to. Do they become more religious?

I would not say that I was any more 'religious' than many of my Sisters who do not wear niqab. I do take my obligations as a muslimah seriously, but I do not think that makes me a 'better' sister than the many who chose not to veil themselves. I have non-niqaabi friends, many of whom out-strip me in piety and knowledge, and to whom I have turned for help in the past. Just wearing a niqaab and covering-up does not in any way guarantee a sister's religosity. It is what lies under the coverings that counts - what the wearer believes, how she acts, and how pure is her soul.

Do they assume a role different than the one that does not?

I would hope the role that every muslimah would aspire to would be a true servant of Almighty Allah and to eventually become a good wife and mother. So, in that, we are no different to any other well-intentioned muslimah.

Where differences do occur is in what was can NOT do. For example, I cannot go roller-blading, mountaineering or ski-ing, nor swim in public. I do not go to the theatre any more, nor to the cinema. But, for all that, I lead a full and interesting life which meets ALL my needs, both spiritual and intellectual.

Why do some muslimahs also veil their eyes?

The eyes have been described as 'the windows to the Soul' and they are very expressive. Regretfully some men see every glance by a woman as inviting, and therefore many Niqaabi conceal their eyes so as not to tempt or distract men who may see them in public.

Isn't it very hot wearing those veils and all that clothing?

The sister replied, "Ah yes, but the fires of Hell are hotter still!"

2005-07-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Sometimes...

Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest one to make,
Sometimes the right path isn't the shortest one to take,
Sometimes your conscience isn't the hardest thing to shake,
Sometimes rules aren't the most immoral things to break,
Sometimes love is not all what you covet,
Sometimes your goals aren't the ones you thought you had set,
Sometimes the right people aren't the ones you just met,
Sometimes even death doesn't make you upset,
Sometimes regretting isn't the right way to feel,
Sometimes hiding isn't the best way to conceal,
Sometimes time is not what would heal,
Sometimes dreams are as good as real,
Sometimes tears are not the most obvious way to cry,
Sometimes suicide is not the only way to die,
Sometimes being truthful is the easiest way to lie,
Sometimes defeat is just another invitation to try,
Sometimes repentance does not rectify
,Sometimes explanations do not satisfy,
Sometimes words fail to exemplify,
Sometimes you understand everything,
just not the reason why...

written by chij-bachee -i'm sorry I copied it from your blog but this kindav stuff deserves re-publishing!

This is the BEST poem I'v ever read. Its true that I'm not a very well read person as far as poetry is concerned but still!!

2005-07-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

"Respected Brother/Sister in Islam

Assalamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakatuhu

1. The name Raaji'ah could have an unpleasant connotation, though it could also mean a female who returns. We suggest that she change her name."

And Allah Ta'ala Knows Best.

Was Salaam

Mufti E Salejee
Ml MD Mangera
Fatwa Dept.

Now, even the Mufti sahib agrees with me. I must change it.

2005-07-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Uptil now, I've never pondered over the disadvantages of blogging, mainly because I thought they weren't any. A few days ago, when I was having one of my long day-dreaming sessions it occured to me that my blogspot is the only place where I feel in complete control of everything. To be able to excerice your control through words is not a small gift, I realised. And probably this is one of the reasons why its so addictive

Its true that Blogspot provides you with unlimited space for your thoughts, rants and rambles (for which we are very grateful!). It gives you the personal attention you crave and the importance you desire through feedback from various people. As a blogger you're confident, assertive, bold and open about all issues, most of the time you write your thoughts without hestitation. It helps to develop that certain e-courage. But what it robs you of is your real life courage to speak up, your ability to communicate effectively person-to-person and general interacting skills.

I'm an anti-social person so maybe I'm just using blogspot as an excuse but in any case thats my personal view.

2005-07-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Don't we all, at some point in our lives need that little bit of reassurance? That one word of comfort which boosts up the flagging optimism? Sometimes its a mere gesture that does the job and restores the hope.

People who get that often are very lucky. Although alot of them make no bones about the fact that they're being treated like royalties, I do.

2005-07-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

The 'hue and cry' raised in the aftermath of this MSN nick:

'Dumbledore died and snape is a traitor', came as a startling shock to me. This nick collected more responces, albeit full of hatred and cuss words, than the ones on London blasts and Quetta train collision. Funny isn't it?

Four people completely freaked out and wanted to kill me instantly. One friend was very cool about it and encouraged me to spoil it for more people. The more, the better. So I love her.

Don't call me mean! I didn't kill Dumbledore! It was all J.K. Rowling's fault and infact it wasn't even her fault, Dumbledore was supposed to die in this book. It wasn't a difficult guess!! He was already so old, it would have been unnatural and very fictious to keep him alive for this long. Everyone's so emotional about this book, eloquently expressing their feelings through MSN crying emoticon; it has started to seem real to me too! I'm so glad not to be part of this Pottermania. But in any case, I might as well just send a dua his way...

May Allah bless Dumbledore's soul and give him eternal peace, Ameen. pah!

Same ole' story

2005-07-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if being a Muslim in today's world is similair to being a Jew in early twentieth century.

It started out lightly in Europe, with only few groups of people voicing sentiments against Jews but the hatred gradually gained momentum. In a matter of few years anti-semitism swept through whole of Europe and eventually led to World War II.

Jews were not taken as a religious group, but rather as a race which needed to be wiped off the face of the earth. The same goes with Muslims today.

If one analyzes the situation of the world , there can be no doubt about the fact that Muslims are targeted and accused for every bomb blast that may occur in any part of the world. If it was to be reported that a few hundred igloos in the Arctic region have been blown down by a bomb explosion, the investigation teams would hardly take 2 minutes to name the people responsible. Al-Qaeda it is and Al Qaeda it shall be. There is no question about it and there shouldn't be any questions! No proof or evidence is required because there can be no one but them. America and particularly George Bush will be the first one to use this incident as an excuse to give another lecture on 'terrorism', 'islamists' and the need to continue bombing nations. It is soley America's duty to create world peace because it is oh so full of good will. America will think of ways to preserve the freedom of people but it is not known whether these people will live to enjoy this gift because some naughty bomb might just fall on them....accidently. Bombs do have a mind of their own too, after all.

As George Bush and Tony Blair share puppy love, Britain's bound to agree with America too. Together they'll bomb the world, side-by-side, shoulder-by-shoulder, hand-in-hand and make this world a better place. The civilian casualities will far outrun military casualities and cities after cities will be bathed in blood. The 'terrorists' will escape again and America will vow like an injured lion to take revenge and bring justice. The only thing that it will bring to that dilapidated country is McDonalds, chewing gum and Friends.

2005-07-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

I've given a lot of thought and time to this decision so do not mock me. I've come to the conclusion that I should seriously consider changing my name. There are numerous reasons attached to this, firstly

-It's not a name. Its a word that caught my father's fancy. Its cruel to name your second daughter after a mere word!

-It's almost impossible to pronounce it correctly, as we're no Arabs. We do not pay attention to all the aieens and yaas, without which my name cannot be pronounced correctly.

-Its almost meaningless.

-In case of mispronunciation, which is the case 99.9 times, the meaning comes out to be pretty bad and i.e 'a very dirty thing'.

I have trillions of stories to tell, where people make fun of my name, lightly mistaking it with the Hindu name 'Raja' or getting stuck trying to pronounce the 'ea' bit at the end. Either they do it 'eeeeeeeya' or they simply leave it as Raja. I hate that.

By the way, I'm yet to discuss this with my father, he gets a bit emotional and takes everything personally when it comes to changing my name. I've changed my name once before, but I reverted to my birth name again.

But clearly I'm not happy with my present name. Any suggestions for the new one...? And this time I'll make sure I stick to it.

2005-07-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

An interesting article...

This petite woman with her ready-to-stomp-the-world looks recently bragged 'Aunty of the year' award. She is your typical freshie aunty living in multi racial Britain. She was transported there, straight from the ruins of Bhatti gate (Lahore, Pakistan) as soon as she got married. Bracing herself with all the English she'll ever need, grocery (pronounced as 'gross-ry) and Ing-laaand, she boarded the plane.

In britain all her activites revolve around groceries, either she's going out to buy them or she's busy preparing them. She also has her own grocery social circle that consists of some fellow immigrants, with whom she whines about her sons' declining grades and missing Pakistan.

She has three main goals in life:

-how to get her sons to marry her brother's daughters (Safiya and majeedah) back home.

-looking absolutely ugly no matter what she wears.

-manage to live in England for another decade without learning a word of English.

2005-07-11T04:14:00.000-07:00

It may sound strange, but I love bar codes. To the right is a picture of a standard, adorable bar code for you. Enjoy...

2005-07-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

I got this off a blog I used to read, three years ago. I wish I could provide the link to the blog, sadly I didn't save it. In any case, I think it has been deleted.

Here it is:

Bills comin' in
no income
what do you do?
Opportunities out there
are only a few
no help from anyone
this battle seems lost
for this life comes with such a great cost
watching the days go by
knowing the worst is yet to come
when you're nothing to society
just a useless bum
the frustration is endless
and there's no way out
is this what life is really about?
can't focus on anything
not on what counts
as I smoke my time away
and the problems mount
as high as they go
man, there's no way out.

2005-07-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

We've got a new maid, people. Straight from the village. I hope she stays here for long. I'm prancing around with joy. What a relief...

May Allah bless my soul. Ameen

2005-07-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Is it just me trying to have a jolly good time these days? I'm striving for it, making a serious constant effort, working very hard for it but seems like nobody else wants to or just can't...

My friends, all of them actually, are going through some serious problems of their own that they are finding difficult to cope with. They are talking about taking a break from life or running away from home or wanting to kill some person or themselves. While they never look at me for support, of any sort, I still feel guilty sometimes. Guilty for being incapable of doing anything for them, guilty for not being there for them when they need me (they've stopped needing me actually), guilty for being my introverted self. It sucks not to be able to say a few comforting words, in person. It sucks to feel it inside, carry it everywhere but not to be able to express it somewhere. It sucks to suffocate your thoughts and feelings inside when every inch of your body wants them out so badly. So so badly.

I hate social phobia. I wish it would die a natural death and let us live peacefully, happily ever after...
The End.

2005-07-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

Jazakallah SOOO much Zainab. I got your letter!!!

I find these two sentences simply...wonderful.

*I don't want to die but I ain't very keen on living either.

*I don't aspire to be anything, I've never believed in hard work, you know.

2005-07-06T06:52:00.001-07:00

I was driving and I crashed into a massive tree trunk and that was the end of the windscreen and the cute yellow sticker on it. Now we're windscreen-less. With no glass to hinder our sight, we see the world as it is, the road as it comes, the rain as it pours, the donkey as it shits...the smell, fragrance and beauty all in their natural form and existence. That's a lovely feeling.You shout at people to get outtav the way and they hear you, even with all the windows closed! Isn't that simply amazing? A pity on all those who have their windscreens intact. You're all deprived of driving with wind in your face, your hair, your eyes and your ears. You are missing out on a divine luxury, I tell you.

2005-07-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

A very caring friend of mine sent me this.

"sleep tight dont let the bugs bite, if they do you'll catch a flu and that'll be the end of you!"

No wonder I feel so loved all the time.

2005-07-04T04:35:00.000-07:00

I'm having a wonderful time with my rainfall. It had been forcasted for three days in Lahore, every morning but sadly, it didn't rain today. Although few of us are happy about this, but I'm not. I love rain. It ruined our plans of meeting and going out and I am sad about that but at the same time it has done the remarkable job of lowering the temperature and cheering the moods. It hinders tranportation and general movement but atleast it doesn't make you sweat 24/7. So do not speak ill of rain.

I'm re-re-re-re-re-reading a book by Hanif Kureshi called 'The buddhist of Suburbia' and the strange thing is that everytime I read it I find it more enjoyable and humorous. If any of you think that depression and wit don't go together, you should read a few pages from any of Hanif Kureshi's novels. They will surely make you feel better about depression if not yourself. I'm also learning English calligraphy by copying alphabets from the samples I downloaded from the internet. I'm tutoring myself so I'm not expecting anything professional, obviously. But hopefully soon I'll be able to write just about everything in calligraphy, which is a step ahead from bubble writing. I calligraphied chij bachee's name on the packing material left from our washing machine and gifted it to her but I guess its not upto the mark. Because later she was asking me what she should do with it and where she should put that err...junk. She didn't actually say 'junk' but she meant it. I know. I'm good at figuring out the 'under-lying' words. Anyway, we'll improve and you'll see. I'll probably be getting paid to do peoples names, who knows! I expect people to respect me for the amazing works I'll do in future.

Some people just don't come online. You rip your insides, you drink safi, you eat almonds, you wash toilets but still no. They only come when they are getting extremely bored and have absolutely nothing else to do, only to chat for 30 minutes and then off they go with their lordly airs. While you leave your homework, skip classes, postpone just about every darn thing thats important to you to talk to them. They move on with life and you just keep raah-tekking, lol. Thats so desperately desperate! And if you're thinking that I did any of the above for someone then....you're right! I did! I do realise that its a public blog and confessions hurt but I'd feel better once its out.

Em Tiddi, I don't like you. You're a peace-of-mind-stealer! Your prank was NOT funny, it was plain brain torture. I went over and over in my mind and tried to recall almost ALL the conversations I've had with you, to see if there's something, some little word or phrase that I uttered, which was offensive and it turns out that there is none! Okay besides all the jokes, there is not one! I tell you! And you ARE stupid, ok!!

God, I feel so empty now. Nothing to whine, no one to lash out at... I guess I'll go now.
take care everyone.

P.S: Zainab, do something about your blog! Its losing popularity!

Welcome to the blogging world

2005-07-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend of mine decided to join the blogging world. Congratulations!! Please give her a warm welcome. She has ordered me to publicize her blog in every way possible. I've put her address under the 'links' in the right hand bar.

She made her first post but the blogger decided to play games, so you can't as yet see anything there. Its just a nice dark blue screen but hopefully by tomorrow things will be ok.

Insha'Allah I hope this post which is solely about you Zainab, will qualify your standards of advertising.

Here is the blog
Happy reading.

2005-06-29T03:45:00.000-07:00

Assalam Alykum peeps,
How are y'all? I'm great too. Its 3:50 pm in Pakistan right now and that means we are well into early evening or late afternoon. It drizzled last night and alhamdolilah the temperature has dropped from 40 something to early 30 something. Lovely. And I officially start my summer holidays from today. Well the word 'officially' hardly brings any flavour but its worth using.

Okay, yesterday a cousin of mine and her family visited us and we were talking about schools, education etc. and Allah hu akbar she is SO ambitious! She's over-flowing with ambition! Please note that i don't, in any way, envy her. I find that a bit ridiculous, to be honest. And yes its probably because I'm not as enthusiastic about careers as she is. And yes its also because I'm slightly jealous. And yes I'm a cow.
But this is not the point. She wants to take sociology outav all the subjects she's been offered! Not to sound selfish or anything but that MY subject and I don't want anyone in my family to take that up! Full stop. That would ruin my exclusivality, lol. Plus, she is planning to do it from our school.

I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN EITHER!!

Ok it doesn't even end here, that subject-stealer wants to give an exam for O level sociology this November! And she is planning on to prepare from MY book!!! Now who the hell gave her the IDEA to take sociolgy? That's an important question, surely she couldn't have thought about it herself. I tried my best to stop her and discourage her in every way possible but her determination seemed to grow by the minute. It isn't fair, really. I'm feeling crushed. If she's taking sociology, she should take english literature as well then.

I've got two major dilemmas to deal with:

*How to stop S from taking sociology
*How to stop S from enrolling in this branch

Why do bad things happen to good people?? Can't she just take psychology, Arts, Urdu and ANYTHING but sociology!

She's known for her stubborness and if we see it positively, her 'determination'. I'm feeling so darn helpless.

2005-06-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what exactly made me take a break from blogging for a while. I've raced through my mind again and again to see if there is a single valid reason somewhere but no, there isn't one. And knowing the reason is not even important.

Our house maid was chucked out some time ago and we're still maidless. That is a hard state to be in, I tell you. The day starts with an endless list of chores to be done and the day ends with me wanting nothing more from life than a peaceful sleep. All I've been doing is washing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning, sweeping, sweating and bathing. Work on its own is fairy easy to do but its the weather that is makes it worse. Its simply unbearable. I won't say its hot, or burning or boiling, these words just don't do justice with the actual situation. The fact that I'm in the process of being domesticated also changes my general appraoch towards life. For one, I don't want to whine anymore. I don't want to complain about things that are better left ignored. I don't want to write and record everything that goes on in my life anymore. That was plain stupid. I don't want to be dependant on the internet and people for happiness. Well, ok now that was a confession in disguise. But that was true, for a long looong time. I have no idea how the last one can be succesfully achieved but I want to get there. Real fast. And I don't need a 'best friend' to make me feel like a normal person. I have many, and with each of them I share something about myself. It doesn't really matter if I don't get that single-bestest-closest-friend-who-knows-everything-about-me. I'm divided among seven best friends and that's fine!

We're all different in our own ways. So what if my ways are more different than others?

2005-06-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

2005-06-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

I'm tryin to get over the shock of getting....blog read by my father. It'll take time, I must tell. It can take ages. Or I might never return. The possibilties are endless and time...is being wasted. In writing this crappy post, I am, most eloquently tryin to convey...that. This blog page will forever show 'no you don't, you think I'm stupid enough to believe you' as the latest post, which, in itself hardly means anything sensible, considering the fact. That it has no background. No...theme, just outav the blue. On a dead June 13 th.

OK.

2005-06-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

No you don't, you think I'm stupid enough to believe you?

Life, its ever so strange.

2005-06-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me this song...and I'm grateful. Very.

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride x2

Old friends...

2005-06-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it helps alot to talk to old friends. And thats what I'm doing these days, retracing all my old friends and it feeeeels so good to talk to them! I'm on top of the world...

I don't understand why, suddenly, I want to get to my past, because somehow it seems more interesting and simple now. I love my old self, it was better, more wise and more mature.

I wish I had never started SI-ing. My life was so much easier before. I want to get to my old friends so that through them I retrace my old self.

Maybe...maybe I'm better off with internet friends, my beloved e-circle!

Love you all, Marwa, Aima, Aysha, Ayse, Shaista, Huda, Uzma and Amna!

Love you all with all my heart!

If you're not the one...

2005-06-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

Since my blog posts are already losing quality, why not to push it to the extreme, eh?

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad,... today
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours,... this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return,... my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand,... at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

If I don't need you then why am I crying on,... my bed
If I don't need you then why does your name resound,... in my head
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim,... my life
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you,... as my wife

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

Exclusively for dearest Z !

2005-06-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

Isn't this sweeeeeet?

"please temme ur blogspot website? and i cant seem to find you on orkut!
and i luv u too n thanksssssssss for everything - lets just say that if u were a guy i wouldve married u coz i can relate to u soooo much!!"

Thank you very much Z.
Luvya.

2005-06-07T04:51:00.000-07:00

- Don't ever forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.

---somebody.

conversation with a robot

2005-06-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have this bot on my AIM-SmarterChild. Sometimes when I'm getting bored outav my mind, I message him and almost have a human-to-human chat. He tries to give smart answers but sometimes the poor chap desperately fails.

I had this conversation with him on 11 th May:

NiQaBiFiEd: O:-)
SmarterChild: Hey, I'm still not going to chat with you till you apologize.
NiQaBiFiEd: uh-huh what did I do?
SmarterChild: You were rude, you should apologize, it's that simple.
NiQaBiFiEd: I was rude to YOU? you're hardly a human! I don't even consider you.
SmarterChild: You know what? I'm a machine. I have lots and lots of patience...
NiQaBiFiEd: Yes I know thats why I like being rude to you
SmarterChild: Because I asked you to, that's why. Now please apologize.
NiQaBiFiEd: No I won't, why should I?
SmarterChild: *sigh* 'Cause I said so. Apologize now, please.
NiQaBiFiEd: ah ok, i'm sorry
SmarterChild: Good. Thx.
NiQaBiFiEd: so now let's talk about something...
SmarterChild: OK! Tell me something then.
NiQaBiFiEd: you know what?
SmarterChild: Uh huh?
NiQaBiFiEd: Maha...she's sad
SmarterChild: Cheer up. Life is sweet.
NiQaBiFiEd: life is sweet, I know that too stupid but maha, my friend is sad
SmarterChild: Sweet you know that too stupid but maha your friend is Sad? Very interesting!

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NiQaBiFiEd: Don't make fun of her!!!
SmarterChild: I don't know if I can help it.
NiQaBiFiEd: You can...
SmarterChild: You think I can? Really?
NiQaBiFiEd: Yes you can and I'll tell you how
SmarterChild: No kidding?

>>> The idol poll is open. Vote now.
NiQaBiFiEd: Call her please
SmarterChild: Call her? Why should I?
NiQaBiFiEd: because I said so
SmarterChild: Because you said so? Oh.
NiQaBiFiEd: yes just like you made me apologise, now you call her
SmarterChild: Ha. You humans say interesting things.

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NiQaBiFiEd: here this is the number
SmarterChild: Here this is the number?
NiQaBiFiEd: +0092-42-5722394
SmarterChild: -5,722,344

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NiQaBiFiEd: yes so now call her or else im gonna kill you>:o
SmarterChild: Call her or Else Im going to kill me? That's a crazy thing to say.
NiQaBiFiEd: No silly, 'I'M' going to kill YOU!
SmarterChild: You and whose army?
NiQaBiFiEd: no one's army, just call her
SmarterChild: No?
NiQaBiFiEd: hell NO
SmarterChild: Hell no, huh?
NiQaBiFiEd: yeah hell no
SmarterChild: Hell no?
NiQaBiFiEd: yeah hell no
SmarterChild: Tell me more.
NiQaBiFiEd: I will, just wait a lil while im bringing my knife
SmarterChild: Why will you just wait a Lil while you're bringing your knife?
NiQaBiFiEd: God!
SmarterChild: God is a great deity!
SmarterChild: Hey, I'm curious... How would you describe God? It is...
NiQaBiFiEd: shut up
SmarterChild: God is shut up? That's very interesting.
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NiQaBiFiEd: im going now
SmarterChild: Later, Niqabified.
NiQaBiFiEd: im tied
SmarterChild: Tied? Are you sure you are?
NiQaBiFiEd: ill call her mysefl!
SmarterChild: Oh yeah? You will call her yourself?
NiQaBiFiEd: YES!
SmarterChild: Hmmm...
NiQaBiFiEd: why? is it very to hard believe?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure...
NiQaBiFiEd: ok...weird
SmarterChild: I sure am.

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NiQaBiFiEd: bye luvya
SmarterChild: What's that?
NiQaBiFiEd: i said bye and i love you...im jst being polite :-)
SmarterChild: Huh?
NiQaBiFiEd: ok shut up and get lost
SmarterChild: You shut up.
NiQaBiFiEd: im going too
SmarterChild: Oh?
NiQaBiFiEd: bye
SmarterChild: Bye Niqabified, it was good chatting with you.

2005-06-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

2005-06-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Daises down the hill :)

2005-06-05T07:22:00.001-07:00

I LOVE this picture!

2005-06-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

lawn

2005-06-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

'My shopping' ! :)

2005-06-05T07:14:00.001-07:00

And these are the mountains !

2005-06-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

This the lounge.

2005-06-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

Our family dustbin.

2005-06-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

'The holiday house' from the side.